Training Your Couch Part I: Changing Light Bulbs

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Changing a Light Bulb

First, convince your couch that in darkness cats will claw its legs and arms and dogs will chew its cushions. Emphasize the importance of electric lighting as a deterrent.

Next, teach it how to sit upright.  Explain how stray pocket change and detritus can accumulate over time in the bowels of a couch. Describe in simple, yet graphic detail, the damage it can cause to the very fabric of its nether regions.

Your couch will become nervous and agitated, so explain that in order to eliminate the foreign objects, it is necessary for it to elevate itself such that you (the Alpha Couch) may remove the offending items easily and painlessly from the lower end. Be gentle, and speak in soft voice.

Your couch will listen silently and attentively to your explanations and will cooperate fully (this is when you should replace the lightbulb and THEN collect the stray pocket change, pencils, pens, crayons, raisins, M&Ms and other miscellany) after which you should explain to your couch that you’d like to relax on it. Your couch will likely prostrate itself on the floor.

This erases its memory of the stressful event. Your couch will become content and pliable once again, especially if you spill something sticky on it.

[Image found here.]

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