When planning to turn a lame ride into something truly sucky, there are only four words to remember: Corrugated Cardboard ‘N’ Duct Tape. (The “N” word doesn’t count.)
So how do we analyze this pathetic attempt at true Babe Magnetage? Hard to say. But there are three likely scenarios.
1. The owner of this Ford POS has absolutely no budget, but works in a parts warehouse with lots of, um, materials at hand. He’s your run-of-the-mill petty thief, specializing in recyclables, and dreams about the world of industrial design while wishing he worked in a fiberglass plant;
2. The owner of the Ford POS got peer-punked by co-dorks who had some off-time when the local Arby’s closed, and decided to give him a high school graduation present consisting of one last mockery;
3. The owner of the Ford POS is a boob who ran out of spray paint to finish it off before attempting to sell the Ford POS on Ebay as an Eddie Bauer Edition.
We predict the project will be abandoned while still in its infancy.
The cardboard spoiler and skirts will be torn off leaving big ol’ honkin’ duct tape marks where the paint used to be, and the owner of the Ford POS will decide to up the ante for True Babe Magnet Status (think flat black spraypaint finish with green and orange fluorescent spackle flames) before he dumps it off on his gullible younger brother for an amount that will take him years to pay off.
Pure efficient genius.
[Image found here. Excellent collection of more Babe Magnetage here.]
P.S. I keep forgetting to use the forbidden word “retarded.”
What to do when your Babe Magnet bites the dust? Rent it out! Face it, there’s value in everything, and in this case, the upholstery still works.
Tattoo Mullet Ricky (as he’s known to locals) has made several economical improvements to his efficiency unit, adding solar screening to reduce the heat gain, and a semi-recessed composter for waste recycling.
His night job breaking down pallets for firewood gave him the idea to upgrade his living space. Now he can get a decent day’s sleep without being shooed from bus benches and dumpster enclosures. At night, he rents out the room to those less fortunate than he in exchange for something that kinda makes our skin crawl just to think about it.
Whoa. Batman logo with tinyperkynipples, on a Chrysler Minivan no less. Let’s all scream, “PARTYMOBILE!” Bijonce and her sister Charlondra be gonna jump de bones of the driver of this dragon wagon, assuming they can see over the hood to appreciate the majesty of it all.
Of course the neighborhood girls are way underage, and the only way they’d see the attraction is if Bozoman personally lifted them higher than his blood alcohol level x the height of the hood ornament. Fortunately Bozoman can’t, and has to rely on subterfuge to get his prey into the Mommyvan. Fortunately for Bijonce and her sister, they’re both armed with tasers and the bone-breaking physical paybacks of the self-defense kind.
This conundrum leaves Bozoman with nothing but his two Bozofriends and a couple of quarts of beer. Since no significant otter, either outside or inside of Bozoman’s Mommyvan, can view the Batmoboil Logo, the only way the lame-o paintjob boosts this embarrassing piece of dorkness to the level of Babe Magnet is in the mindvapors of Bozoman himself.
I honestly don’t know the story behind this amazing feat of engineering, but here it is.
Very cool. The styling just screams high performance babe magnet.
Serious aerodynamics here. This dragon wagon chills at close to the speed of light and it beats your ride even while parked. Okay, it’s got an unfortunate license plate, but hey, the hotness overrides the WOBL1. Let’s have a look at the interior.
IT’S A COCKPIT! Way cool. But, um, where is the silicone/saline siren supposed to sit? Seems to be a slight design oversight, but admit it, you’re still cruising at 3,000 feet right?
Not quite. Sometimes scale matters. You are travelling at whelp speed in a truncated tadpole…
..only worse. It’s a Mars Bar with wheels and an embarrassing license plate.
Screw it; it’s basic transportation. Let’s mess with the traffic and laugh about it while feeling Green and saving the planet. (Sorry, there’s no room for you. Get your own tadpole, mooch.)
So is it a Babe Magnet or not? Phhht. For the money, I’d buy a Harley and a rainsuit instead, and I’d still get better mileage than Mr. Tadpole.
BUT if I were forced into driving a dorkmobile, and only upon penalty of death, I’d choose this, if only for the nostalgia:
Nothing screams “BABE MAGNET” like a genuine Russian NyetMobile painted in puke greeen, with pink and yellow highlights.
Nevermind the exhaust pipes/mufflers/after-burners that keep the rear quarter panel aluminum trim from overheating, and ignore the rear mudflops an inch above the pavement. (Yes, I called them mudflops.)
What makes this a genuine Babe Magnet is not the tumor growing from the rear boot, nor the tumor monitor mounted just inches away.
It’s not the surfboard rack either, although Comrade Pav’s ride certainly gains some serious Babe Magnetage points there. Look closer for the REAL love bait… closer… closer…
Woop! It’s either a lion with it’s paws spewing stinky vapors, or it’s THIS GUY. You be the judge.
After analyzing the image in detail, we conclude that this vehicle reeks with Pure Efficient Genius, and thus meets the criteria to be declared a genuine IABM (Instant Awesome Babe Magnet).
Some folks take Batman lore very seriously. And why not? There are no laws, at least in this country, that forbid rabid BatFannage. This particular example is very deceiving in that it efficiently transforms the ubiquitous beetle into the ORIGINAL BATMOBILE with relatively little effort. Yeah, mock it all you want, but then compare it with the genuine item that we’ve provided for your viewing pleasure below:
Okay, the bottom image is a model of the 1940’s version, but you can’t deny the awesome resemblance. Therefore, the esteemed panel of judges at TR have voted unanimously to declare the VW Batmobile to be honored as a true and bonafide Babe Magnet.
On the other side of the coin is BatMockage, and here is a prime but innocent example. 7 out of 8 mocked him correctly. The other one is destined to be an online furnace filter consultant.
Been a while since we’ve posted a Genuine Babe Magnet. This isn’t one of them. Or maybe it is, despite being a non-driveable found POS with flat tires and a nitrogen/nematode power plant to propel it at a top speed of nothing with botanical detritus for the interior finish.
The exterior finish screams San Francisco, due to the 1960’s retro paint job. Naive college age girls with their effeminate art student boyfriends decorated this, and transformed a recyclable wreck into a recyclable wreck without salvageable parts. In other words, it’s an urban heap made worse.
This is NOT a babe magnet. It’s nothing more than an elevated canine/feline restroom with a groovy paint job, nominated to be protected as sacred street art by the SanFran Cilly Clowncil. Haul it away.
[Image Source here. Yep, the Russians found this before we did. Go figger.]
[Update 26 November 2008: According to loyal reader Julie, an expert on matters such as these, it's a Toronto absurdity, not San Francisco as assumed reported. Read her comments in the section for comments section for her comments.]
