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We Kicked England’s Balls

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Although the World Cup actually began yesterday somewhere in Africa, the USA team kicked England’s arse in a tie of 1-1. I’ll explain why shortly.

The game supposedly originated when victorious Brits began a game of kicking around the skull of a dispatched Roman soldier. Eventually the skull was replaced with an inflated sheep’s bladder (brilliance), and they began kicking that up and down the path between rival villages. The game spread to other villages, and gained the name of “Association Football,” abbreviated to “Assoc.” A participant was termed an “Assoc-er,” thus was the game of Soccer introduced into the English speaking world.

I doubt the previous summary is entirely accurate, but humor me for the attempt at historical improvisation.

Most Americans these days are introduced to Soccer (or Football as the rest of the civilized world calls it) via AYSO, an excellent organization that introduces their kids to the sport and allows parents to yell at each other with impunity over rules they don’t understand. The offsides rule is particularly difficult for us yanks to comprehend because you can’t actually see it unless you are standing right behind the line judge (who is constantly in motion up and down the sidelines) when the foul occurs.

So today, England, the ancestral homeland of the sport, was supposed to have had an easy win over the supposedly inept USA team. It was expected to be a blowout, and with a goal within the first five minutes of play, England led by infinity. However, in the last few minutes of the first half, the Brit keeper floundered allowing a tie score. He’s on suicide watch now, although it wasn’t entirely his fault as nine of his own teammates blew it before the bladder even reached him.

The USA team should be proud, even at a final score of 1-1. England got their pointy little noses polished. Now we’ll work on their teeth.

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6 Responses to “We Kicked England’s Balls”

  1. G Eagle Esq Says:

    AND there was me [err … I ….] thinking that Association Football (in contradistinction to Rugby Football) was invented in Scotland ….. or am I confusing it with Golf …. both games only imperceptibly more interesting than watching Grass grow (… err that’s cricket to you ex-colonials)

  2. Bunk Strutts Says:

    Signore Eagle– Apparently it was the skull of a Danish prince, according to one source:

    Soccer became one of the most popular sports of the masses due to its popularity as a war game. A game of “football” which the British called it, was played in the east of England during the 8th Century where the head of a defeated Danish Prince was used as the ball.

  3. David Says:

    “Brit keeper”. You mean English keeper. I’m British and NOT English. Why don’t Americans get that? Anyway, SO SO HAPPY that you gave those fuckers a hard time. GO USA!!!

  4. Bunk Strutts Says:

    David– Aren’t the English British anymore? But you’re right. Us yanks oughtta be more specific. The Scousers are still English, right?

  5. David Says:

    Yeah, Bunk, you’re still technically right! Sorry for dickishness. The WC is just the least British thing ever though and It’s not usually a good time to be associated with the English. Nothing against the team or the country, but the media coverage is always way, way over the top, bordering on jingoism. The mighty, all conquering, football-inventing England versus the puny, weirdo, rest-of-the-world and Scottish, Irish and Welsh football fans just have to sit and put up with their boring shit through the whole tournament. They have a little early reality-check already and us non-English Brits have the US to thank!

    Anyway – love the blog 🙂

  6. Bunk Strutts Says:

    David– Media coverage here is a joke. Half the time the American commentators have no idea what they’re talking about, and ESPN was forced to hire talking heads from the UK for the WC. WC=loo.

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