New Year’s resolutions. Hmmm. Good God there are so many to choose from and so many to ignore and reject. Okeh, I got a couple:
I shall endeavor to be more ascerbic.
I shall wake up when I want to, not when electricity tells me to.
I shall quit giving the cat rides in the dryer if it hasn’t gone in there voluntarily, and if it does, I shall provide a blanket to cushion it.
I shall stop complaining about cat hair on my chonis.
I shall personally snag the livers from the huge turkeys my lovely wife purchases only two times a year for the holidays and I shall cook them up with butter and eat them in private without telling anyone.
I shall not feel guilty when I snicker to myself.
I shall briefly consider presidential candidate endorsements from Chuck Norris, Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Streisand, and whatsisface (you know, that guy, the funny one who doesn’t write his own material) and ignore those endorsements altogether as idiocy, and shall vote for a candidate and issues that they do not support.
I shall continue to combat the forces of evil, and shall pay my bills on time, with the understanding that giving in does not equate to surrender.
I shall fart when and where I want to, and not when or where others think I should, because it’s none of their business, and it’s completely out of their control anyway.
I shall relieve stress, in the aforementioned way, and other ways that I’m not inclined to let you in on.
Those are way too many resolutions for me, but I’ll keep them… to myself.
Wish y’all and yours a prosperous New Year from Tacky Raccoons.
–Your Pal, Bunk.