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Form I-485: How to fill out Part 3C

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Never heard of OMB No. 1615-0023? I hadn’t either. Here’s another hint: Form I-485. I doubt that it rings a bell with many readers here, so here’s the scoop. Form I-485 is entitled Application to Register Permanent Residence or Adjust Status.

In other words, it’s one of the first steps toward becoming a Citizen of the United States of America, and the 6-page questionnaire (18 Jan 11) is brilliant. It carefully screens out undesirables based upon several carefully crafted questions. Sections 1, 2, 4 & 5 are reasonable, as they ask for name, country of origin, relatives, etc, and if you might be Elian Gonzales, in which case you’re screwed.

Section 3C of Form I-485 should be retitled “Are You F**kin’ Stupid?”

We’re going to simplify the questions. This may be tedious for some, but bear with me because it’s got a punchline. Ready?

Question 1: Are you a criminal, or are you just a scofflaw who doesn’t know how to drive?

Question 2: Are you a leech?

Question 3: Are you a whore or a pimp? Are you an operator of cockfights? Have you ever played professional football, and if so, is your name Michael Vick? Are you involved in transporting criminals into the U.S.? Are you a drug smuggler working for a foreign cartel?

Question 4: Are you a terrorist?

Question 5: Are you spying on us? Are you an anarchist? Are you bein’ a dick?

Question 6: Are you a communist, and do you spell it with a capital C?

Question 7: Are you a German nazi, racist, bigot, brownshirt sh*thead? (Note: This doesn’t apply to other nazis, only German ones. According to this survey, the rest of you are cool.)

Question 8: Did you ever have a rough time with the bouncer?

Question 9: Are you a forger?

Question 10: Do you now have an affinity for hockey, get a tear in your eye at the sight of a red maple leaf, and are offended by the term “hoser?”

Question 11: WTF?

Questi0n 12: Are you a kidnapper?

Question 13: Are you an unreformed Mormon?

Question 14: HOLY CRAP. Anyone stupid enough to say “Yes” to any part of this question should be shot on sight.

Question 15: If I say Che, you say _____?

Question 16: This is a trick question to see if you were lying on Nos. 1-15.

Question 17: Another trick question. You sure you’re not a liar?

Question 18: Did you ever earn a merit badge for marksmanship while a member of the Boy Scouts of America? Did your father, uncle or grandfather ever take you hunting?

Now let’s go back to the top of Section 3C.


Did you get that?

“Answering ‘Yes’ does not necessarily mean that you are not entitled to adjust status or register for permanent residence.”

To summarize:

You may be eligible for US Citizenship if you’re a communist/nazi/anarchist gun-smuggling drug-dealing prostitute/pimp with ties to terrorist organizations who is involved in human trafficking and has first hand experience torturing prisoners, all thanks to the Department of Homeland Security.

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7 Responses to “Form I-485: How to fill out Part 3C”

  1. Calo Says:

    The flowchart with the little red “sorry!” boxes is a classic.

    http://immigrationroad.com/green-card/immigration-flowchart-roadmap-to-green-card.php

  2. Bunk Strutts Says:

    Calo– That flowchart is interesting.

    “The time it takes to become a permanent resident varies dramatically, affected by many factors such as USCIS processing, visa availability, labor certification/background check delays, the applicant’s qualifications, nationality, residence, profession, luck, and so on. Most people are probably looking at 5 – 15 years. Some also spent several years in a nonimmigrant status prior to starting the immigration process. After green card, add roughly 5 – 7 years towards citizenship.”

    I like the fact that they admit “luck” is a factor.

  3. Lemur King Says:

    Seriously, I wonder how many “Yes” answers they actually get or if the people who review the forms just laugh when someone even mentions it.

    Then again, I’m a fan of The Smoking Gun’s “Worlds Dumbest _____” show, and it is amazing how many people answer the question “Have you been drinking tonight?” with “Lots.”

  4. LC Aggie Sith Says:

    I have no doubt they get plenty of “Yes” answers, LK.

  5. Bunk Strutts Says:

    LK– Looking at that form and then looking at the hoops you have to jump through for 10-15 or 20 years, is it any surprise that many immigrants choose to thwart the system?

    LC Aggie– Although I was born and raised somewhere, I wonder what would happen if I were to apply for citizenship today. I bet I’d be dead first.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    LOL funny how they turn away anyone involved with genocide. I guess they forgot all of those indians they slaughtered using weaponized smallpox.

  7. Bunk Strutts Says:

    Anonymous– Historical fiction is not my favorite genre.

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