Tag: Sarcasm

Hello, I am Ms. Twitter.

Twitter Switchboard

Hello, I am Ms. Twitter, daughter-in-law of Mr. Twitter and wife Significant Other of Mr. Twitter II. I have been put in charge of something very important and I’ve been very important for some time.

See that door behind me? That’s the #TwitterGulag. It’s where I send people whom I decide have violated Twitter’s Terms Of Service, written by my 12 year-old niece, Denada. She hates everyone for no particular reason, but she’s still my niece, and I am still in charge.

I send email messages to those of you with Twitter Accounts whom have been flagged as inappropriate and non-compliant with my unspecified political point of view. I ensure that your Twitter accounts are appropriately blocked, banned and deleted, and that you are required to jump through tiny little email hoops to get your pathetic Twitter accounts reinstated.

It never happens.

At the same time, I allow the most egregious violators of our TOS to fly free and clear no matter what offensive garbage they post or how much targeted harassment they get away with, despite your whining complaints. That makes me laugh, because there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Yeah. Complain to @Twitter or @TwitterSupport and see what happens, loser.

But here’s the fun part. Once I decide you’re banned, your entire history goes away and you get to start all over. It’s like you never even existed. You are nothing more than a squeezed spent pimple on the Junior High Boys’ Restroom mirror to me, and the school janitor takes care of you.

I am Ms. Twitter. Do not trifle with me.

[Image found here. Related post here.]

Form I-485: How to fill out Part 3C

Never heard of OMB No. 1615-0023? I hadn’t either. Here’s another hint: Form I-485. I doubt that it rings a bell with many readers here, so here’s the scoop. Form I-485 is entitled “Application to Register Permanent Residence or Adjust Status.“

In other words, it’s one of the first steps toward becoming a Citizen of the United States of America, and the 6-page questionnaire (18 Jan 11) is brilliant. It carefully screens out undesirables based upon several carefully crafted questions. Sections 1, 2, 4 & 5 are reasonable, as they ask for name, country of origin, relatives, etc, and if you might be Elian Gonzales, in which case you’re screwed.

Section 3C of Form I-485 should be retitled “Are You F**kin’ Stupid?” Continue reading “Form I-485: How to fill out Part 3C”

The ScenicBruiser: Another One Rides The Bust

Roll up for The Tragical History Tour of all 57 States on The STIMUBUS!

To be fair, that’s the tour bus from when Obama was campaigning for President Senator Governor Mayor Teacher Community Activist, and we apologize for the innocuous snark – NOT. It appears that he’s envious of someone else’s bus tour (whose name we won’t mention, but her initials are Sarah Palin).

Doug Ross@Journal posted what is purportedly a sketch of Obama’s ScenicBruiser, but it’s intuitively obvious to the casual observer that the image was cropped [view original here; click on the image below to enlarge].

The original image was definitely cropped as it eliminated the trailer labeled “Fox” at the rear. At first we thought that it might be Michelle’s private trailer, but everyone knows that her caboose is much bigger. Therefore it must refer to FOX News, installed as a design afterthought, with a hydraulic pin to make it easy to disconnect. (And, yes, the steering wheel is on the wrong side, as Obama cruises on the left.)

[Crossposted from here.]

Submissions Requested!

Don’t know what this is all about? Click here and follow the links. Send us your original submissions in .jpg format and we’ll post ’em, anonymously if you wish. Keep it clean and funny as if Jesus himself were to judge your work of art.

The Great Farm: Urban Forester Scores Job Measuring Barley Crop


Tyler Stevenson, an urban forester, measures barley that is growing in the fields at the Great Park on Friday morning.

Irvine, California  (Strutts News Services, Opinion Section) –

Continue reading “The Great Farm: Urban Forester Scores Job Measuring Barley Crop”

Another Great Gift Idea: TREPANATION!

Trepanation Game_Gimcrack Hospital 090707

Great educational game for the hole family. Release the evil spirits, insert the jello, and your Patient’s  nose lights up when his demeanor improves!

A traditional cure-all for conservatism, it has its dangers:  Be careful!  When the vote comes up and the Patient argues against frivolous spending and taxation, guess what?  HE’S NOT CURED!

trepanationThe game continues until each of the evil spirits have been vanquished and the Patient votes for nationalizing the banking industry, the automotive industry, the healthcare industry, runs for congress as a carpetbagger, opposes the NRA and Constitutional Amendments 1, 2 & 4, is coerced to vote CORRECTLY, or until he’s been otherwise  completely incapacitated and forced to become a ward of the State himself.

Bonus points are awarded if the Patient joins Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, any union, or supports AGW before becoming incapacitated.

Once the Patient signs on as a democrat the game is over, and it moves to the next level:  Change your Patient from a socialist to a marxist! (Requires upgrade to Trepanation 2.0.)

[Found here.]

Yeah. Right. As If.

sarcasm-society_found-081127

‘Spose you wanna leave a comment, huh.  G’head. Tell us something we don’t already know.

At least I didn’t camp out in front of Fry’s Electronics for 11 hours just to buy a four-dimensional battery charger for $57.99 plus 36 month’s worth of vapors for access.

Meh.

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