Category: New Snot

“Heckhound” Heads Home

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Killduff, Iowa (Strutts News Services) – When Gerhard and Bonnie Phumph brought their blonde-labrador puppy home four years ago they made a fateful mistake. On a whim, and after a night of fun at D&T’s Tap in nearby Reasnor, they decided to name their new addition to the family “Sitt.” They were unprepared for what happened next.

Mr. Phumph describes the pup fondly. “Sitt was a fast learner. Almost like she was born speaking English… very obedient, too. She even understood the joke, ‘C’mere, Sitt! C’mere, Sitt!’ but I think she just got tired of it.”

However, Mrs. Phumph describes Sitt as “the dog from hades. Chewed up the whole darn porch couch. I’d had enough and told her to go to H-E-double hockey sticks.”

Sitt obeyed as always, found the shortest route, and dug a 30-inch diameter hole in the middle of Farm Route 57 near Sully. She hasn’t been heard from since, but is expected to emerge somewhere near Trona California by next April.

SNS newscameras will be there when it happens.

[Source: Pedigree dog food advert. Actual source for the original advertisement is unknown, but at least we credited the company.]

Cubism Carbism

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Paris, France (Strutts News Services) – French automaker Citroën unveiled its latest line of economy vehicles on Thursday, named the “Picasso Series.”

Famous for providing inexpensive reliable transportation for France’s large peasant population following WWII, they have now moved forward into the Cubist Design movement of the 1920’s as they unveiled the latest in a successful line of popular automobiles.

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Chief Industrial Design Engineer Evi Poignée-Bouton de Porte (photo above ca.1994) remarked, “The Picasso design, it is timeless. It shall continue to inspire all well into the Winter.”

[Both photos via No Puedo Creer, an excellent site. In English, it translates to “I Can’t Believe It!” ]

Pirates Attack Venice with Rabbit

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Venice, Italy (Strutts News Services) – Pirates mounted an attack on this historical port Thursday. In classic Piratese, the invaders hollered “Avast ye scalawags! Scuttle yer dragoons! Behold the Cuniculus of Doom! Arrrggh!” as they piloted toward their conquest of the City of Wet and opened fire.

Once the battle was underway, Cap’m Pomello di Porta, with eye patch, peg leg and parrot, retreated to the foc’s’l. “All ye lobsconses hae control. I’m goin’ below to play wit me byrd.”

52 cannon shots peppered the vicinity with what locals described as “magenta e fuscia rabbiti pellettis.”

No one was injured, no one walked the plank, and the pirates were captured and mocked mercilessly by German tourists. A massive Hassenpfeffer was prepared for the victory celebration.

[Full story with video and music here, via Hanuman.]

Nuclear Retractable Reciprocating Directional Pop-Up Sprinkler Head With State of the Art Fully Adjustable Hose Clamps Passes Tests !

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No other explanation necessary, and they should be hitting the market soon. You won’t find this in the MainStreamMedia.

(Photo link lost due to global warming. We’ll repost & credit the source when we find it. Honest.)

UPDATE:  Here be the source.

TEMPERATURES INCREASE AROUND GLOBE

Globe, AZ (Strutts News Services) – According to one reputable source, TWC, Global temperatures are expected to increase as much as 26 degrees fahrenheit tomorrow, but should cool off later in the day. One local business owner isn’t happy.

Collie Davis of “Globe Industries” bemoans the extreme heat fluctuations. “We specialize in manufacturing garden gnomes. They come in many earth-tone colors, but this temperature shift has turned our entire stock to lobster red. Red Gnomes are ugly and just plain stupid!”

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Johan VanDinck, spokesgnome for URG (Union of Red Gnomes), threatened a mass walkout unless Davis retracts his statement. “There ain’t gonna be no Christmas until we settle this.”

Ongoing story is heating up; news here as it happens. Photo via Variant.

HE has a sense of humo(u)r.

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Yamba, New South Wales – (Strutts News Services)

Once again, GOD played a prank on the seaside community of Yamba on Thursday when he purchased a bottle of Ivory Liquid, metasized it, and poured it into the Pacific Ocean just 10 miles off the coast. The ocean knew what to do and churned up foam that spread 30 miles.

“Only the Almighty could pull one off like this,” said resident Robert “Dinker” Dinques. “We joke alot that HE must be bored watching us and all, and once in a while HE stirs the pot up a bit.”

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Photos via Arbroath. True story may be found there as well.

Boy, 10, Brought Home by Mothership

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Basil Mills, Nebraska – (Strutts News Services)

While 10-year-old Donny Plunck played the time-tested game of “See-How-Far-You-Can-Throw-A-Rock,” trouble was brewing. Unaware that he’d been tracked down by a larger and more intelligent force, he suddenly found himself airborne, and was transported back to his home over a mile away, by his left wrist.

Donny recalled the ordeal vividly. “It was a frightening eerie silence, all the way home, except for the wind.”

He was levitated all the way to his bedroom door when he heard a booming voice from above: “I TOLD you to clean your room! Now DO IT before your FATHERSHIP comes home!”

Donny was not harmed in any way, and his room was spotless by 5:23PM.

Photo via Neatorama. Sort of.

ZIGGY DEAD AT 36

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Ft. Lauderdale, FL – (Strutts News Services)
Beloved cartoon character “Ziggy” succumbed to a heat stroke on Thursday, when record temperatures caused an overload in the local power grid, shutting down the air conditioning in Mr. Z’s beach front condo. He was found unconscious and unresponsive by Lt. Commander Lannie Foosers of the Ft. Lauderdale Health and Rescue Division, and was pronounced dead on arrival at Holy Cross Hospital.

“Ziggy was a good guy, a guy you could trust,” sobbed neighbor and close friend, Ms. Janessa Vapors. “He wouldn’t not do nothin’ to not harm a flea, and now he’s gone. He’d trip over my sprinkler hose and get soaked at least once a week.”

“He always looked kinda waxy,” commented Mr. Bob Bieber, Ziggy’s groundskeeper. “He never looked like he had pants on, but his dog was okay.”

From Toonopedia: “His supporting cast includes a dog, Fuzz, whose main function is to echo and amplify Ziggy’s actions; a cat, Sid, who is afraid of mice; a parrot, Josh, who seldom has anything encouraging to say; a duck, Wack; and a fish, Goldie. These are augmented by an endless stream of auto mechanics, department store clerks, fortune tellers, psychoanalists, waitresses, etc., none of whom do much to brighten his life. He does not have a girlfriend.”

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(Photo: Ziggy and Fuzz in happier days)

Rest in Peace, Zigman. We’ll miss you.

Jerry’s Diner

Bunk’s Rules of the Road:
1. Always flush with your feet.
2. Anything named “Jerry’s Diner” is an excellent place for cheap, good food.

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My all-time favorite (deceased).

THIS Jerry’s Diner in Kent, Ohio, fed me well and cheaply throughout my college years. Seemed to be always open, and was conveniently located for easy stumbling access after the Water Street watering holes closed. There was usually a line out the door by 11pm, and it was longer later. (It was usually snowing, too.)

Wednesday was Fish Fry Night, all you can eat for $2.50, with home fries. Yeah, it was just Mrs. Paul’s with potatoes. We’d pass on supper on Tuesday just to take advantage of the deal, until one Wednesday too many we cleaned them out of frozen battered fish… that’s when they changed the rules.

After that, each of us had a limit of ten battered fish fillets. Period. Half of what we normally ate. Life’s just not fair sometimes.

I think that Hairy Mary had something to do with it. She was the waitress, and when she was in a bad mood, your order was launched down the counter at you and you had to catch it. Her bad mood seemed to coincide with whenever we stepped inside.

[UPDATE 19 NOVEMBER 2008: JERRY’S DINER HAS BEEN PURCHASED. THE NEW OWNER IS MOVING IT TO CLEVELAND FOR REFURBISHING AND POSSIBLE RELOCATION TO KENT. NEWS AS IT HAPPENS.]

[UPDATE 5 OCTOBER 2008:  JERRY’S DINER, KENT, OHIO, IS SLATED FOR DEMOLITION THIS MONTH.  STORY AFTER THE BREAK.]

[UPDATE 15 FEB 2009: Cleveland Plain Dealer article after the break.]


Here are some other “Jerry’s Diners” that showed up on a google search.

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Grub

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Eats

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Jerry’s

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Closed

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Open

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