Category: Babe Magnet

Babe Magnet: All Terrain Barracuda

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“Don’t hassle me, man, I’m here to replace your toner cartridge. I mean it. Back off already. Look, all the roads are closed, but I got here, okay? So just back off. You gotta buck for gas?”

This is a prime example of the best of the rural Babe Magnet genre, and one of the last of the breed that uses a speedometer as a gas gauge. The owner’s name just has to be “Danny,” but his friends call him “Bo.” Bo added glasspacks, airshocks and oversized rims to this classic muscle car, and jacked it up so he wouldn’t get stuck in three-foot high mud drifts along the levee. Pure efficient genius.

The Babe Magnetage factor is subdued, but if you look closer, it’s there in all its glory. The sub-bumper floodlights, the purple window tinting, the flat black “Smokey’s radar ain’t never gonna reflect this” paint job spells it all out for the Johnson twins, Velveeta and Vivarina.

The double V’s beg for rides to the Reddy-Mart for Slush Puppies and Moon Pies while Bo feigns disinterest. He slaps in an 8-track of Uriah Heep’s Greatest Hits, pops open a warm YooHoo with his thumb, and leaves a rooster tail of crushed rock on his way to his job restocking fan belts at the Sunoco station.

[Image from here.]

Babe Magnet: Duct Tape

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It’s a difficult call as to whether or not this magnificent piece of machinery truly qualifies as a genuine Babe Magnet. The role of the duct tape would give it automatic induction into the realm of the BM, but this relic seems to be sitting a a few too many parking lots downstream of the Stop-N-Go store in uptown Tomball.

In other words, it just isn’t advertising itself… except for one, actually two details.

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Yep. Rubber doorstops for the broken window regulator grant this monster machine a solid thumbs up as a genuine Babe Magnet. Pure efficient genius.

[Images from here.]

UPDATE 12 March 2008: I’m embarrassed to admit that I missed one other important detail. The seven little white things on the dashboard are either (a) Sun-bleached Easter peeps from last year; (b) Partially consumed rice balls; (c) A used Kleenex collection; or (d) Little tiny ghosts.

There may be other solutions to the mystery of the little white things. I know that some of y’all have more expertise identifying LWT’s through the windshield of a Babe Magnet than I, and I’d appreciate any suggestions so that we can put this Bunk stumper to rest.

Babe Magnet: FU Zebra

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Yet another visual insult for Ford’s industrial designer who came up with the ubiquitous Country Squire. Long before the SUV, Ford was promoting the Family Utility vehicle, even as early as 1947. It was known as the FU for good reason:

“Dad, the FU door didn’t latch, and the heat from the FU vinyl is fusing my Red Ball Jets to the FU plastic floor mat.”
“Well, first, shut the FU, son…”

But back to the grander aspects of this recyclable FU Babe Magnet. It’s obvious that the owner of this prize was awarded the FU when his dad got tired of providing taxi service for Bud Junior’s part time job lobbing Grit Magazine to all the subscribers on Rural Route 4 between Cozadale and Mainesville Ferry at 5AM.

On Bud Junior’s 17th birthday, Dad handed over the keys and title, forgetting that Bud’s Christmas present was a carton of Camels and a belt sander. Bud went to work immediately to un-woosify his ride. He buffed the windows to a fine shine with cornstarch, sold the hubcaps for gas money and ground the cream finish paint down to primer… in stripes. Pure efficient genius.

These days people point and stare at Bud’s Sled ‘O Love. “What the heck are you drivin’, Bud?”
Bud only glares back. “FU.”

[Image from here.]

Babe Magnet: Snow Pickup

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Oooh. This just reeks of serious Babe Magnetage.
(bob-A’ mog-neh-tahzh‘, fr., noun pl.)

The proud owner of this all-weather cruiser has mastered the art of cobbling together leftovers from Revelle models in full scale. No paint required. Bald front tires don’t matter, as the rear set provides traction, assisted by a rotted plywood box full of cobble ballast supported by seatbelt-strap come-alongs. The front tires act as skis. He’s also saved money on the headlights: one for hi-beam, one for low. Pure efficient genius.

“Hey, Babe, hop in! We goin’ to the tree-plowin’ competition! Sorry the heater don’t work, slide over here. I got the cd player installed underneath the seat (Yeah, the milk crate. I bolted it down this time. Here, put this cardboard on it) but weasels chewed up my speakers and now they just rattle. How ’bout singin’ Bobby McGee?”

[Images from here.]

Babe Magnet: JETSTREAM!

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Amazing. What attention to detail. Not only does he have the Jetstream airbrushed via spraypaint, masked it to overlap the brakelight assembly, he has at least two “starbursts” that serve to make this humperwagon shine! Since the shocks are broken, when dweebness drives over speed bumps at 30mph, the Jetstream paint job appears to be straight. Way cool.

Now you might think that the sloppy masking job on the door trim was an accident, but it’s just another subliminal signal to the high school hotties that “Yeah, I gotta hot sled here, but I’m a down-to-earth-kinda guy.”

And just to push that subtle point, there’s the Christmas Tree air freshener with mooneyes hanging on the rearview mirror, visible just to the right of the bone-marrow red front post that accents the antenna. (“Oooh! A four-door! My dad says I can go if my brothers can come along, K?”)

But here’s the BEST PART: The Governor of Dorkland advertises his responsible side to the future recipient of a romantic afternoon date at Arby’s by upending his spray can to clear the nozzle, thus creating three little octopi on the rear post. Pure efficient genius.

Mr. Aerosol, thank you for photographing it so nicely, and for posting it on the internest for our dropped-jaw amazement. And your cassette of RamJam’s greatest hit? It’s in the glove compartment under the used handiwipes with a raisin stuck to it.

[Image from here. More Babe Magnetism here.]

Another Babe Magnet

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I can almost hear it now:

“Josh! Bryan! You won’t believe it– I just scored a 6-pack of carrot extract and, get this, a whole bag of sun-dried figs! ROADTRIP!!”

“Dude! Gotcha covered! Got some ‘Traditional Medicinals Organic Raspberry Leaf!’ We gonna boil some water tonight!”

(The only thing worse than that photo is the embarrassing notion that the industrial designer of the lame-o 1965 Ford Country Squire is still alive to see this.)

[Image buried in DRB. More Babe Magnetism here.]

UPDATE: We’ve gotten such excellent responses from the Babe Magnet posts that we’ve added a new category just to make it easier for you Babe Magnet hounds to find related posts. I guarantee you that there will be more on the way. –Bunk

Bisect the Sea with the Foaming Wake of a Fast Motorboat!

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The chicks’ll dig you when you “Bisect the Sea with the Foaming Wake of a Fast Motorboat.”

You’ll also notice that the Cap’n is not paying attention, and that it’s obvious that the sailbabe wants you… as soon as you can show her that you, too, can “Bisect the Sea with the Foaming Wake of a Fast Motorboat.”

Just beware… due to global warming, the fish population has dropped dramatically, and you’ll have to contend with diminutive seabats buzzing around your ears, regardless of whether or not you can “Bisect the Sea with the Foaming Wake of a Fast Motorboat.”

[Excellent image and quote from 1933, a mere five years before the warmest year on record, via Plan59.  More Babe Magnetism here.]

Hot Wheels: Babe Maggot No.2

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I meant “Babe Magnet.” Or maybe I didn’t. Note that the dead cat, Boone’s Farm bottle and the week-old wad of used Pampers all add nuance to artistic expression of the moment. Note also that the windows are rolled up.

But here’s the genius inherent in this work of Art: It compels the viewer to imagine what it smells like inside and to run away without ever knowing. A piece of artistic genius.

[Photo found amid foodstuffs at Bockety.  More Babe Magnetism here.]

Batmobile Babe Magnet

I bet Robin drove this. Dork.

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Via: EatLiver.

[Update: More Babe Magnetism here.]