Category: News Not

Democrat Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer Discusses Exit Strategy With General Counsel

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1. No need to hide a blue dress.
2. See No. 1.

Truth in Advertising

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Found this nice package lounging around on the Family Strutts Butcher Block. (The FSBB is just another flat surface where a lot of unrelated items collect.) This caught my eye last evening, and I thought, “Wow. A ‘Fruit Medley,’ and precisely 1.90 ounces of it.” So I did what any one of you would have done. I took it to the bathroom.

I stood on the bathroom scale and noted my weight (including clothing, trenchcoat, mudcaked chukka boots). Then I weighed myself again, including clothing, trenchcoat, boots, AND the package labeled “Fruit Medley,” and subtracted the difference. I found that the “Fruit Medley” weighed in at 2.046 ounces. “What a windfall,” I thought. I couldn’t wait to find out what was in the package, and without flushing, ran back out to the kitchen (after washing my hands of course). I opened the box and found this:

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Looked just like the package photo. I gotta admit that the package also says, “Our Family’s Best Since 1906,” and I imagine that a bushel of fruit from over 100 years ago might look something like it.

But that’s not the point of this post. Daughter Bunkessa showed me this:

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It’s a bag of bread, labeled “Baked Bread.” Forget that it’s apparently made from wild berry flour, it’s baked bread. I’ve had the other kind, and it’s a lot like a cold bowl of Hormel chili.

But that’s not the point of this post either. While I was in the bathroom weighing the “Fruit Medley” I noticed this on the counter:

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Think about this. If you wash your face with facial cream, and the cream gets dirty and disgusting, what can you do? This product solves the problem.

Is this a Great Country or what?

More Global Warming! Save the Iguana Habitats!

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I guana tink iguana;
Iguana guana tink ’bout me.

I’d rather have iguanas roaming around my house than polar bears.

Is the earth warming? Certainly. Is it cooling as well? Without a doubt. Should we be alarmed? No.

When the argument for human-caused climate change resurfaces with Global Cooling Hysteria (as it did in the 1930’s, and also in the 1970’s) all the EcoAlarmists will be screeching about the demise of reptile habitats. Either way, keep your hands on your purses and wallets, children and grand-children. It’s all about the money today, and it’ll be all about the money tomorrow.

What have the weather predictors predicted for your weather tomorrow? Next week? I’ll bet your pay check that they can’t predict it accurately for a month, let alone a year, a decade, a century.

It’ll be cold some years. It’ll be hot some others. It all balances out, and humans can’t change the multiple overlapping weather cycles, no matter how many people believe they can change it, even if their last name is Gore, Clinton or Obama. Okay, or Bush, McCain, or Rice either. Or Manny, Moe and Jack. Or Larry, Moe and Curly. Or Dick, Jane and Sally. Or even Oprah, Whoopi and Andy Panda.

The late National Lampoon Radio Hour had a great summary of mankind’s control over the cosmos: “You Are A Fluke Of the Universe. You Have No Right to be Here, and Whether You Can Hear It or Not, the Universe is Laughing Behind Your Back.”

[Image from here.]

Incomplete Twinning

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This is a Maraca, to train schizophrenics with rhythm to cooperate with his- or herself without fighting. Or not.  [Image from somewhere in here.]

But then, there’s also this incomplete twinning.  [Growabrain is looking for the source.]

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It’s National Wash Your Cephalopod Day

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Springtime is here, or almost is, and something about this photo fascinates and disgusts me at the same time, kinda like goth/emo laundry. I’m not sure if these are squid or octopi, but either way something just isn’t right. Obviously they’re being dried for either food or rain gear, but these sentient denizens of the deep don’t deserve to be humiliated like this.

This image has been lounging around in our “What to Do With This” file for a long time, way before we began tagging the images with their sources. We’d be happy to post the real story if only our crack team of webminers could determine the original source. Comments?

[Welcome Ectoplasmosis readers! If you liked these octopi, you might like the RoboSquid. Feel free to crawl slither hydropropel yourselves around here as long as you want. Just leave a trail of bread crumbs slime crab shells to find your way back.]

[Ditto to Tonmo & WHI readers!]

[UPDATE 22 March 08: ORIGINAL SOURCE HERE! (via here).  Our crack team of webminers just got an extension on their contracts.]

Luxury Villa for Sale/Lease

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Luxury Vacation Hideaway for Sale or Lease

Country Living at its Best. Just 17 minutes from Muley’s Bait and Tackle and Bieber’s Grocery, close access to Boones Road (newly paved). Not too far from R.D.2. Easy access to nearby Fooser’s Corner via footpath. Although situated in a dry county, weekly delivery service for wine and beer is available, case orders only. Spirits are available at Hamm’s 20 Mile Stand in Purdy, 46 mi. west on Route 4, Convenient parking is less than a quarter mile away uphill to the east. FWD is recommended.

All units have clear views of the flood control channel adjacent to the B&O Freight line. Community patio includes the central water feature that reflects the stars as you and your loved ones relax to the sounds of nature and share stories of your recent adventures. Site is fully landscaped with mature native botanical gardens, and is irrigated by mother nature herself.

What more can a naturalist like yourself hope for? How about the wild potatoes and onions down on the flood plain? (Not accessible March through May, and October through March.)

Each unit is equipped with running water, a full kitchenette, new built-in vinyl furniture, new linoleum and carpetile floors, and Marlite® simulated knotty pine paneling throughout. Centralized laundry/toilet facilities. Electricity is provided 5AM-8PM daily (except for Sundays, via four 5000W Briggs & Stratton generators located uphill).

The community sound system provides ambient music 24/7 via battery backup. Enjoy “Hank William’s Greatest Hits” and the “Bill Monroe Story” each and every time you step out onto your private veranda. (A different mix is programmed every day.)

You know you want it. You know you deserve it. Will trade for late model Winnebago with DVD player and 1/2 tank of gasoline minimum.

[Photo & description via Strutts Divestment Properties LLC.
Tip ‘o the Tarboosh to Robt P.]

UPDATE: Snopes has the true story of this image here. ‘Snot what you think.

Go to the Head of the Class

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“Look! Out in the water! It’s a duck! It’s a boat! It’s a sauna! It’s a floating summer cottage!” No you fools. It’s MallardMan.

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Fin-duck is powered by an outboard motor. The driver’s place is in the head of the “duck”, where a chair can be put into position when someone sits there. On the back of the “duck” one can take sun. Eight persons can sit in front of a fireplace. In the sauna fits four persons.

Measurements:
Length 5,5 m
With 2,8 m
Height 3,2 m
Height in saloon 195 cm
Draught 25 cm
Weight 900 kg
Speed about 5 knots
Equipment:
Outboard motor 15 hv
Fireplace
Sauna and shower
Toilet and hand basin
Kitchen with a sink and a refrigerator

I can hear it now:
“Honey, when are we gonna get underway?”
“Any minute dear. But first I have to go to the head.”

Then there’s this lovely lair of leisure:

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“Wellness Skull” by Atelier Van Lieshout. Like Wellness centers it has a few places to relax. In the neck of the skull is a small bath. The head of the Skull contains a sauna.

If you say so. Like I really need to go to the head to relax. Then I find that it’s full of warm water, just like I thought. I can hear it now:
“Honey, you need to relax.”
“I’ll relax after I go to the head! Is that okay with you, DEAR?!”

Meanwhile, I Love Lucy:

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Lucy the Elephant is an American Treasure. I can hear it now:
“Honey, there’s no sauna in there! Why are you running?”
“Get outta my way, dear! I’ve gotta go to the head!”

[Images with indented commentary from here, here and here.]

Vincent Lamouroux’s Contribution to the World: The Pentacycle

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According to the source:

“The »Pentacycle« (2002) is a vehicle constructed specifically for the abandoned railway Aérotrain near Orléans built in the seventies. By Vincent Lamouroux.”

Needs bigger gearing, glasspacks, cheater slicks with baby moons, a place to stash some beer, oh yeah and a seat with a second seat for a big bad mama with tattoos. I’d ride it, knowing that nothing is gonna be coming the other way for miles except the only other Pentacycle in the universe… And if my Pentacycle was equipped the way it oughta be, I’d laugh and make him swerve.

Too bad Lamouroux’ website is so artsy-fartsy, but it’s still kinda interesting.

[Image and caption from VVORK.]

Hoogerbrugge Stickers

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This is important. Han Hoogerbrugge has never offered such surreal artwork at such an affordable price. He is selling his stickers for the new low low price of their worth.

But before you write this off as just another tacky plug for another more profitable operation, check out Hoogerbrugge’s website first. Years ago when Bunk was still a dialupper, he’d wait patiently for Hotel episodes to load, as he did for the excellent “Nails” series of animations.

HH’s work is surreal: amazing, amusing and disturbing, all at the same time. He’s the Ken Nordine of the Internet.

[UPDATE: Welcome Grow-A-Brain readers. Help yourselves to whatever isn’t nailed down. –Bunk]

It’s the Fro, Bro.

The late great Billy Preston had one of the greatest FRO‘s of all time. Preston, besides recording some classic ’70s songs (“Nothin’ FROm Nothin’ Leaves Nothin’” and “Outa-Space” and also recorded as the 5th Beatle (or Beatle Number 9, depending on how you count).

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This session musician, with his awesome huge bouncing microphone cover FRO, was a fun keyboard player to watch, especially because his FRO (with sideburns and beard) ran 360 degrees, which reminds me of another Preston hit, “Will It Go Round In Circles.” Actually, it did.

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Now, Roberta Flack‘s FRO was perfect. So perfect in fact that besides her many hit records, (known in the industry as “Flack’s Stacks O’ Wax”) she was the original model for the Arial Font’s “Period,” and was able to spin off a nice bonus profit with her own product line of custom swabs. She must have made tens of dollars with this:

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Chuck Norris (yes, THE CHUCK NORRIS) took notice of Flack’s success, and decided that there was room for improvement in ear hygiene. In May of 1974, he formed NorrisSwabs Inc., and served as SpokesNorris for these:

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(Bonus Chuck Norris Fact:  Chuck Norris doesn’t go to the bathroom.  The bathroom goes to Chuck Norris.)

[Preston image FROm here. Flack’s image with her brand of cotton swabs FROm Fantastical Nonsense. The Patented NorrisEarSwab FROm here. Somewhat related post here.]