Potato/Carrot Weaponry 101

Potato Gun_Dull Tool Dim Bulb 091030

[Plans above found here.]

Yep. That’s the way the old timers did it, but thanks to modern technology, i.e., the invention of the ballpoint pen, there’s an easier way, the way we did it in HiSkool.

Get a ballpoint pen with a brass ink cartridge, the skinny kind.  Cut both ends  (as the open end has a lip) with the cutter of your needle-nose pliers. Then with the pliers, make the ends round again. [Figs. 1 & 2]

Carrot Shooter

Take the tube to the sink, and run hot water over it to soften the ink.  Blow out the ink to clear the tube, and set aside.

Go find a wire coat hanger with a diameter that fits into the ink tube, and cut a straight section 1-3/4  times the length of the tube.

Now here’s the technical part. With your pliers, bend the wire into an “L” shape, with the longer leg just a tad longer than the metal tube.  [Figs. 3 & 4].

Got it? Now put your pliers away and get a thumb-sized piece of carrot. Take the tube and jam the end into the side of the carrot. Pull it out  at a slight angle, and you should have a nice little plug in the end of the tube.  Now do the same thing with the other end [Fig 5].

Insert the tip of the bent clothes hanger wire into one end of tube, pushing one of the carrot plugs in slightly.  Your weapon is now locked and loaded. Hold the tube with your first and second fingers, and push the plunger with your thumb.

By pushing one plug toward the other, pressure builds, and the end plug will shoot about 10 to 15 feet with amazing accuracy. The carrot “bullets” are about 1/16″ diameter x 1/8″ long.  Since only one plug pops, you still have one in the chamber, so you only have to re-load another primer plug to fire again.

Aim for the cheek or neck, not the eyes, on an unsuspecting victim ten or more feet away. A quiet pop, a bite of carrot wetness, and subsequent confusion is your reward.

[Next project:  Instant Metallic Farts. Remind me.]

The Ignosecond

The Ignosecond is roughly defined as the time between the moment one does something inherently stupid and the moment one realizes that it’s too late to stop the results of that action.

Example: You exit your car, lock the car door and swing it shut; immediately before the car door latches you realize that your keys are still in the ignition. That minuscule span of time is called the Ignosecond.

Underrated comedian Rich Hall coined the term “Sniglet” for something that ought to have a word to describe it but doesn’t. “Ignosecond” is such a word.

Because of the instantaneous nature of the Ignosecond, it’s very difficult to capture the image precisely when it occurs, so some of these images below are actually “Pre-Igno” and/or “Post-Igno.”

ignosecond_amyoops1.jpg

Although this “Post-Ignosecond” was staged, this happened to a college buddy who grabbed the “Head & Shoulders” shampoo instead of the toothpaste.

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True ignosecond. The dog lived, but was never quite the same. His stance widened considerably, but other than that was fine, and earned the nickname “LowBrow.”

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Post ignosecond for this dog who learned that he can’t herd boars.

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True ignosecond. Both riders suddenly realized why bikers wear leather.

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True ignosecond.

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Pre-ignosecond has passed. Post-ignosecond coming up.

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Pre-ignosecond. The guy on the left is about to try to scare the bear. Then he’ll experience the nasty end of the ignosecond.

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Post ignosecond: “…and then when the beer spilled I dropped my cigareet onto my lap and that’s when I hit the ‘celerator instead of the brakes! Thank God it’s your wife’s car!” [True story from here via Arbroath.]

ignosecond_amyoops2.jpg

IGNOSECOND TRIFECTA! All three had their own ignoseconds caught on tape (four including the cameraman).

Years ago when Bunk was a lil’ tad, Momma Strutts accidentally locked the keys to the Ford Country Squire IN the Ford Country Squire, in the AGC grocery store parking lot. She called my father to bring the extra key. That’s when the ignosecond struck. While waiting for Papa Strutts to show up, I found that one of the rear passenger doors was still unlocked. Momma was not stupid; she deftly opened the door, and without saying anything, pushed the lock button down and shut it. I’ve always admired her for that.

[Images from [Insert Witty Title] and AmyOops.]