Category: Holidays

I Heart You

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[Images from here, here , here, here, etc. Candy generator here.]

Happy New Year 2008! A New Century!

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New Year’s resolutions. Hmmm. Good God there are so many to choose from and so many to ignore and reject. Okeh, I got a couple:

I shall endeavor to be more ascerbic.

I shall wake up when I want to, not when electricity tells me to.

I shall quit giving the cat rides in the dryer if it hasn’t gone in there voluntarily, and if it does, I shall provide a blanket to cushion it.

I shall stop complaining about cat hair on my chonis.

I shall personally snag the livers from the huge turkeys my lovely wife purchases only two times a year for the holidays and I shall cook them up with butter and eat them in private without telling anyone.

I shall not feel guilty when I snicker to myself.

I shall briefly consider presidential candidate endorsements from Chuck Norris, Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Streisand, and whatsisface (you know, that guy, the funny one who doesn’t write his own material) and ignore those endorsements altogether as idiocy, and shall vote for a candidate and issues that they do not support.

I shall continue to combat the forces of evil, and shall pay my bills on time, with the understanding that giving in does not equate to surrender.

I shall fart when and where I want to, and not when or where others think I should, because it’s none of their business, and it’s completely out of their control anyway.

I shall relieve stress, in the aforementioned way, and other ways that I’m not inclined to let you in on.

Those are way too many resolutions for me, but I’ll keep them… to myself.

Wish y’all and yours a prosperous New Year from Tacky Raccoons.

–Your Pal, Bunk.

[Image from here via here.]

Merry Christmas to All

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Thanks gobs for all your support and interest this past year, and may your Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa festivities include the gift of socks for you and yours.

Bunk & the Family Strutts

[Image from here.]

Last Minute Gift Idea: Electronic Bubble Wrap

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This is beyond the Valley of Stupid, past the Hill of Morons, and all the way up to the Citadel of Ignoramus, but it’s available here. The site has an appropriately annoying soundtrack, too, to remind you of what bubble wrap popping sounds like. China knows that we’ll buy anything except for an oil pipeline from the Alaskan arctic desert, and they’re banking on bubble wrap popping audio electronics for now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d be hawking it right here if I’d thought of it first.

P.S. Don’t buy it yet. This is only the beta analog version. Digital is coming out in January.

One More Great Gift Idea

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Everyone should have an Albino Bowler Action Figure, if only to go with that Lunch Lady Action Figure you have on your desk.

[Image from here via RGS.]

Great Gift Idea for Hannukah

As a regular goy, it just occurred to me that I’ve inadvertently overlooked our non-goyim friends and readers who celebrate Hannukah this time of year. To recompense for my accidental oversite, here’s this gift suggestion:

A DELUXE EDITION of NO LIMIT TEXAS DREIDEL

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[I didn’t make that up. Ask Kinky Friedman. Here’s the link, found here. At least it’s not “Strip Dreidel.”]

TGIF: The .gif Friday Post 16: Crispness is Clumping…

“Crispness is clumping, the geezer’s got a flat; Won chew fleas butter Penny Inn anode man sat.”

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Santa with Two Nekkid Elves, um, well, kinda…

Apparently there are a handful of folks who are offended by too many things, who are all humpy about this dopiness. I love it. And I love that those folks are all humpy about it, too.

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Now if that were my son (the one on the left, I mean) I’d get all humpy about that ridiculous outfit, smack him on the temporal lobes, cut off his driving privileges and ask him what he was thinking.

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[Images and story from here.]

R2D2 Pukes

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StarWars emesis. And all this time I thought R2D2 only craps pepper in my salad.

[Image from here. Oh yeah, speaking of emesis, Diesel’s still hawking his book at MattressPolice if you’re looking for a last minute Christmas gift. He promises to deliver it in person if you order by midnight tonight. Otherwise, you can read it free on his website. Go figger.]

Yet Another Great Gift Idea

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Just imagine… You have a holiday get together with your neighbors (the ones you actually talk to, not the one that has that strange odor coming from his house, or the ones with the 45-year-old son who never left home and lays face-down on the lawn across the street when you go to get the mail, or the one with three hearses in the driveway.)

A nice holiday gathering. A Hawai’ian theme complete with the apostrophe. Huge yellowfin and shark steaks are on the grille, and YOU bring out the salt. Not just any salt. Alaea Hawai’ian Sea Salt.

All your invited neighbors are visibly impressed with your obviously refined taste and culture.

Except for me, you dork. You bought into this? But I won’t tell it to your face. I’ll just smile and compliment you on your obviously refined taste and culture. Then I’ll make an innocuous comment about global warming and how OUR household is stopping it by changing the incandescent lightbulb outside our front door to a fluorescent lamp.

But tomorrow, I’ll have a good laugh with the 45-year-old neighbor’s son while we lay face down in the grass in front of the house with the three hearses next to the one that smells funny, and we’ll watch you get your mail and change your lightbulbs.

[Don’t creep out, it’s all in fun. “Salt-of-the-Month-Club” is available in limited quantities from The Onion. Looks like a great gift idea to me. I’d host the block party if I got it, fer shure (hint hint hint). —Bunk]