Category: Not News

2017: When Cows Roamed the Earth – Before Ethanol

Big Bone Lick, KY (Strutts News Services) – According to Thursday’s MSWikipedia update, before ethanol depleted the corn crop in the US, cows, pigs and chickens were as big as barns.

Back as early as the 1990’s, one cow could provide enough milk and butter for a township of 1,000 or more. Now that ethanol is more profitable than producing corn for feed, the wheat crop has been eradicated as well. Citrus and tomato crops were outlawed in 2012, when President ProTem Chelsea Clinton, by fiat, mandated that only fermentable federally-approved grain be produced on the same soil.

A side note: Suet lamps are coming under scrutiny, and are becoming scarce, except on the black market. You can get ’em as cheap as 6,540 euros if you look for the bargains.

[Tip o’ the Tarboosh to CH & AU for the cow; pig from here, chicken from here.]

Man Hasn’t Washed Face In 43 Years

Seattle, WA (Strutts News Services) – Dennis Mitchell, born at the age of four in 1951, was immortalized by his cartoonist father Hank Ketcham in the now world famous comic strip, “Dennis the Menace.”

Over the decades Hank Ketcham left black and white emotional scars daily (and three-color ones Sundays) on his pen-and-ink son Dennis, who later became a wealthy recluse in his adult years.

Dennis, the ultimate rugrat, turned 18 in 1965, and has never washed his face since, although he admits to taking weekly baths in his natatorium that he refers to as “The Moat.”

When asked why he still refuses to wash his face, Dennis, now 61, responded without emotion, “Why not? You’re not my mother,” and promptly returned to a large leather-upholstered rocking chair facing the northeast corner of his crayon-enhanced living room in Belmont Shores, California.

[Image from here via here. Related posts here and here.
Apologies to the late Hank Ketcham.]

[Snork!]

[Image from PlanetDan via Growabrain. Snork!]

Wally & June

There is something inherently wrong with this picture besides the pre-Herman Munster helmet hairdo. Jerry Mathers and Hugh Beaumont are both missing, for one.

For two, the age difference between Barbara Billingsley and Tony Dow can’t be ignored, even though Ms. B is/was a young middleaged earringed pearl-necklaced high-protruding-cheekboned lookin’ babe. Or not. But there is no question that she had at least ten years of vixen experience on Dow, and had the largest pair of cheekbones on the set.

The “eew” factor kicks in right about now. Okay, stop it. Sorry I brought it up. For you trivia hounds, her TV name was June Evelyn Bronson Cleaver. His name was Wallace.

[Image scanned from the OCR, 29 April 2008, then dolled up a tad.]

TGIF: The .GIF Friday Post 29 – Future News

Beijing, China (Strutts News Services)

Olympic athelete Jorge “El Pedo Blanco” Perez was (posthumously) awarded the Gold Medal, finishing first in the 30 Meter Men’s Flatulence Competition on Thursday.

While hovering near an open flame just past the finish line, Mr. Perez ignited, and launched himself from the arena leaving a bright trail of orange and green sparks. Mr. Perez has not been seen or heard from since, but his memory lives on as an inspiration to all those who follow in his footsteps.

In English, “El Pedo” roughly translates as “Hoverman.” Congratulations, Jorge, wherever you are.

[Related posts on SNTC, and here.]

SUB LOOHCS | SCHOOL BUS


Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

Today I am multitasking.  (For some bizarre reason that I can’t explain, the name of Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans, keeps popping up).

I had an idea for a bifurcated double-decker bus designed to drive in large drainage tunnels, spiraling all the way through. Although it would definitely need driver and passenger harnesses, who wouldn’t want to go to school in this?

I patted myself on the back for coming up with such a novel and absurd idea.

Then, while doing a Patent search prior to filing one, I found that another smartass beat me to it, and now I’m out of excuses for not mowing the lawn.

[Original undoctored image from somewhere in here.]

We’ve Got a Wide Variety of Popular Styles

Here on the Miracle Mile we have the world’s largest selection of

Large Portly Regular Thin and Long.

“…that’s right. ‘Retro’ is the new hot look this spring. This one is called ‘The Dhow’ for obvious reasons.”

[Image from here.]

Ah Pity the Milk dat gets mah Crispy Sweet Corn and Oats Cereal all Soggy n’ Stuff

You know exactly what this is. When you were a kid you were full of it. I pity you. I really do. While I was heavily invested in the Cap’n Crunch experience, I’d already graduated to Grape Nuts and beer by the time this wonderment came along. Here it is in all its glory:

The linked website doesn’t just have a picture of the stuff in the box and the box itself, but all the really cool stuff that came with it, including the “FREE ADVENTURE BOOK INSIDE.” We all have Quaker Oats to thank for Mr. T. Who’d have thought that a mere cereal could create an internet superstar like the Mohawk Man o’ Peace?

[Images source from here, an I be dare y’all to leave a commentabulation on that website, Foo.
Don’t forget this and this. You can also view it in action at the bottom of the post here.]

Global Warming Declared Racist: Rewards Only White Beachcombers with Doritos, Ignores Minorities’ Desire for Snack Food

doritos_spill_1.jpg

Seattle, WA (Strutts News Services) – Global Warming was blamed for the ocean currents that transported several thousand air-tight packages of Doritos to the coast of Washington, leaving thousands of minorities without the addictive snack food. A total of three white people recobanized the profits to be had after a cargo bin spilled off of a cargo bin carrier ship during a nasty storm during which the cargo ship dropped its cargo. The word spread up and down the coast:

“DORITOS! DON’T TELL THE BLACKS AND THE ASIANS!”

doritos_spill_2_truckspills.jpg

A cargo ship that finds itself in seas that causes it to drop its cargo is not funny at all. Ask someone who has been there and done that. But only white people comb the beaches for Doritos.

[Images and story from Truck Spills, a nice collection of things spilled from trucks.]

Emo Girl Sinks into Deep Depression. Again.

sewer23_rockhoppers080325.jpg

This is one of those images that just screams “POST ME!” but won’t give you a hint as to what it’s all about. I’m not even sure where the image came from. This is a TLS (Temporary Lack of Sleep) babble post; fortunately for you I deleted 3/4 of it. I’ll be better tomorrow, relatively speaking.

[Found it. Image from here. You Rock, Hopper.]

P.S. These WordPress changes suck.

[UPDATE 11 April 2008:  The glitches with the WordPress changes have been resolved and it’s cool again.]