Category: Retro & Vintage

Babe Magnet: FU Zebra

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Yet another visual insult for Ford’s industrial designer who came up with the ubiquitous Country Squire. Long before the SUV, Ford was promoting the Family Utility vehicle, even as early as 1947. It was known as the FU for good reason:

“Dad, the FU door didn’t latch, and the heat from the FU vinyl is fusing my Red Ball Jets to the FU plastic floor mat.”
“Well, first, shut the FU, son…”

But back to the grander aspects of this recyclable FU Babe Magnet. It’s obvious that the owner of this prize was awarded the FU when his dad got tired of providing taxi service for Bud Junior’s part time job lobbing Grit Magazine to all the subscribers on Rural Route 4 between Cozadale and Mainesville Ferry at 5AM.

On Bud Junior’s 17th birthday, Dad handed over the keys and title, forgetting that Bud’s Christmas present was a carton of Camels and a belt sander. Bud went to work immediately to un-woosify his ride. He buffed the windows to a fine shine with cornstarch, sold the hubcaps for gas money and ground the cream finish paint down to primer… in stripes. Pure efficient genius.

These days people point and stare at Bud’s Sled ‘O Love. “What the heck are you drivin’, Bud?”
Bud only glares back. “FU.”

[Image from here.]

Luxury Villa for Sale/Lease

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Luxury Vacation Hideaway for Sale or Lease

Country Living at its Best. Just 17 minutes from Muley’s Bait and Tackle and Bieber’s Grocery, close access to Boones Road (newly paved). Not too far from R.D.2. Easy access to nearby Fooser’s Corner via footpath. Although situated in a dry county, weekly delivery service for wine and beer is available, case orders only. Spirits are available at Hamm’s 20 Mile Stand in Purdy, 46 mi. west on Route 4, Convenient parking is less than a quarter mile away uphill to the east. FWD is recommended.

All units have clear views of the flood control channel adjacent to the B&O Freight line. Community patio includes the central water feature that reflects the stars as you and your loved ones relax to the sounds of nature and share stories of your recent adventures. Site is fully landscaped with mature native botanical gardens, and is irrigated by mother nature herself.

What more can a naturalist like yourself hope for? How about the wild potatoes and onions down on the flood plain? (Not accessible March through May, and October through March.)

Each unit is equipped with running water, a full kitchenette, new built-in vinyl furniture, new linoleum and carpetile floors, and Marlite® simulated knotty pine paneling throughout. Centralized laundry/toilet facilities. Electricity is provided 5AM-8PM daily (except for Sundays, via four 5000W Briggs & Stratton generators located uphill).

The community sound system provides ambient music 24/7 via battery backup. Enjoy “Hank William’s Greatest Hits” and the “Bill Monroe Story” each and every time you step out onto your private veranda. (A different mix is programmed every day.)

You know you want it. You know you deserve it. Will trade for late model Winnebago with DVD player and 1/2 tank of gasoline minimum.

[Photo & description via Strutts Divestment Properties LLC.
Tip ‘o the Tarboosh to Robt P.]

UPDATE: Snopes has the true story of this image here. ‘Snot what you think.

Go to the Head of the Class

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“Look! Out in the water! It’s a duck! It’s a boat! It’s a sauna! It’s a floating summer cottage!” No you fools. It’s MallardMan.

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Fin-duck is powered by an outboard motor. The driver’s place is in the head of the “duck”, where a chair can be put into position when someone sits there. On the back of the “duck” one can take sun. Eight persons can sit in front of a fireplace. In the sauna fits four persons.

Measurements:
Length 5,5 m
With 2,8 m
Height 3,2 m
Height in saloon 195 cm
Draught 25 cm
Weight 900 kg
Speed about 5 knots
Equipment:
Outboard motor 15 hv
Fireplace
Sauna and shower
Toilet and hand basin
Kitchen with a sink and a refrigerator

I can hear it now:
“Honey, when are we gonna get underway?”
“Any minute dear. But first I have to go to the head.”

Then there’s this lovely lair of leisure:

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“Wellness Skull” by Atelier Van Lieshout. Like Wellness centers it has a few places to relax. In the neck of the skull is a small bath. The head of the Skull contains a sauna.

If you say so. Like I really need to go to the head to relax. Then I find that it’s full of warm water, just like I thought. I can hear it now:
“Honey, you need to relax.”
“I’ll relax after I go to the head! Is that okay with you, DEAR?!”

Meanwhile, I Love Lucy:

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Lucy the Elephant is an American Treasure. I can hear it now:
“Honey, there’s no sauna in there! Why are you running?”
“Get outta my way, dear! I’ve gotta go to the head!”

[Images with indented commentary from here, here and here.]

Wax Paper Not Needed

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[Image from here.]

Another Great Gift Idea: Rubik’s Primers

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Bet your friend that after he scrambles the puzzle, that you can get the green side on the bottom and the red side on the top in less than 10 seconds. Hints on how to do this and other feats of amazement are included in the booklet (included for $1.00 extra).

[Image from NoPuedoCreer.]

Saturday Matinee: Animals + Tobacco Road = ?

This video, related to yesterday’s monkey taunting .gif post, is better with the sound off.

On the other hand, this video, that’s been around for a while is still amazing, and better with the sound up.

More Animals. Here’s Eric Burdon (from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England) with “Tobacco Road” from1966(?).

Okay, I meant here’s the Nashville Teens (from Weybridge, Surrey, England) with “Tobacco Road” from 1964. Drummer Barry Jenkins joined the Animals in 1966.

Okay, I really meant, here’s the Edgar Winter Band (from Beaumont, Texas, England) with “Tobacco Road” from 1974(?).

Okay, what I really, really meant is: here’s Lou Rawls (from Chicago, England) with “Tobacco Road,” first recorded in 1963.

Enough animalia with nicotiana rural routes for now. Come back tomorrow for more fun.

Another Great Gift Idea: Pie Face

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Lookout Chess! Here’s a true game of strategy. Just like “Connect One,” it all has to do with the preparation. Like it says on the box, “It’s the most fun-filled action GAME you’ve ever played,” with “you’ve” meaning all four of you.

[Found on Rockhopper… Thanx Dan.]

George Jenk’s Contribution to the World

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In 1949, George Jenks patented this apparatus “for ultimate attainment of an ideal golf swing.”

According to a duffer friend of Bunk’s, the game was named “Golf” because the English vulgar vernacular term for copulation was already taken.

Without access to the Jenks’ Patent description, it is intuitively obvious to the casual observer that Part No. 168 delivers either compressed Nitrous Oxide or beer from Cylinder 173 to regulator Part 167 and directly to the brain housed by Part No. 160, and if the subsequent motion of the golf club Part C does not please Assembly V, a painful shock to the student’s torso is conducted through Part 90 via Parts Nos. 93.

As brutal as it seems, it works. Only one golfer since 1949 has succeeded in mastering the rigors of this training, and his initials are Tiger Woods.

[Image with indented caption from Futility Closet.]

It’s the Fro, Bro.

The late great Billy Preston had one of the greatest FRO‘s of all time. Preston, besides recording some classic ’70s songs (“Nothin’ FROm Nothin’ Leaves Nothin’” and “Outa-Space” and also recorded as the 5th Beatle (or Beatle Number 9, depending on how you count).

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This session musician, with his awesome huge bouncing microphone cover FRO, was a fun keyboard player to watch, especially because his FRO (with sideburns and beard) ran 360 degrees, which reminds me of another Preston hit, “Will It Go Round In Circles.” Actually, it did.

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Now, Roberta Flack‘s FRO was perfect. So perfect in fact that besides her many hit records, (known in the industry as “Flack’s Stacks O’ Wax”) she was the original model for the Arial Font’s “Period,” and was able to spin off a nice bonus profit with her own product line of custom swabs. She must have made tens of dollars with this:

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Chuck Norris (yes, THE CHUCK NORRIS) took notice of Flack’s success, and decided that there was room for improvement in ear hygiene. In May of 1974, he formed NorrisSwabs Inc., and served as SpokesNorris for these:

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(Bonus Chuck Norris Fact:  Chuck Norris doesn’t go to the bathroom.  The bathroom goes to Chuck Norris.)

[Preston image FROm here. Flack’s image with her brand of cotton swabs FROm Fantastical Nonsense. The Patented NorrisEarSwab FROm here. Somewhat related post here.]

Saturday Matinee: 5678’s, BP and S&theFS

Any band with just three members gets my attention. Any band that only has three members and they’re all female gets more of my attention. Any band that has three female members who happen to be Japanese and play late 1970’s retro-punk and can pull it off in style gets posted here.

Here’s their version of “I’m Blue (the Gong-Gong Song)” originally recorded in 1962 by the Ikettes, featuring Tina Turner. The 5678’s have been my favorite band for the last few minutes, and I hope they’ve been yours, too.

[Now for an awkward segue. I had 3 or 4 of the 5678’s videos lined up and later decided that one was enough to make the point.]

One of the greatest Fro’s in rock history, Billy Preston just jammed. Here is his Fro-ness on 1973’s “Midnight Special.” Check out that clear plexiglass double bass drumkit.

Sly and the Family Stone had some classic ‘Fros, too.

[Special Fro Tribute coming up tomorrow.]