Category: Food Stuff

2017: When Cows Roamed the Earth – Before Ethanol

Big Bone Lick, KY (Strutts News Services) – According to Thursday’s MSWikipedia update, before ethanol depleted the corn crop in the US, cows, pigs and chickens were as big as barns.

Back as early as the 1990’s, one cow could provide enough milk and butter for a township of 1,000 or more. Now that ethanol is more profitable than producing corn for feed, the wheat crop has been eradicated as well. Citrus and tomato crops were outlawed in 2012, when President ProTem Chelsea Clinton, by fiat, mandated that only fermentable federally-approved grain be produced on the same soil.

A side note: Suet lamps are coming under scrutiny, and are becoming scarce, except on the black market. You can get ’em as cheap as 6,540 euros if you look for the bargains.

[Tip o’ the Tarboosh to CH & AU for the cow; pig from here, chicken from here.]

German Cat Milk – (Me: “Eeeew”)

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Mit verbesserter Rezeptur. I’d buy the stuff just for the Rezeptur.

Is it just for German Cats? If it’s for cats, I assume it’s for Mr. Boots’ breakfast bowl of Chocolate Mousey Flaver-O’s.

But if it’s from German cats… well, some things I just don’t wanna know.

[Image from here.]

Global Warming Declared Racist: Rewards Only White Beachcombers with Doritos, Ignores Minorities’ Desire for Snack Food

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Seattle, WA (Strutts News Services) – Global Warming was blamed for the ocean currents that transported several thousand air-tight packages of Doritos to the coast of Washington, leaving thousands of minorities without the addictive snack food. A total of three white people recobanized the profits to be had after a cargo bin spilled off of a cargo bin carrier ship during a nasty storm during which the cargo ship dropped its cargo. The word spread up and down the coast:

“DORITOS! DON’T TELL THE BLACKS AND THE ASIANS!”

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A cargo ship that finds itself in seas that causes it to drop its cargo is not funny at all. Ask someone who has been there and done that. But only white people comb the beaches for Doritos.

[Images and story from Truck Spills, a nice collection of things spilled from trucks.]

Look Before You Eat

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Carl Warner’s work has appeared in Neatorama, via here.

Here’s Warner’s site that takes an annoyingly long time to download. Amazing photo montages of food landscapes. You rock, Carl. You’ve got all the necessary color groups covered.

[Tip ‘o the Tarboosh to Malfynk for this email.]

Truth in Advertising

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Found this nice package lounging around on the Family Strutts Butcher Block. (The FSBB is just another flat surface where a lot of unrelated items collect.) This caught my eye last evening, and I thought, “Wow. A ‘Fruit Medley,’ and precisely 1.90 ounces of it.” So I did what any one of you would have done. I took it to the bathroom.

I stood on the bathroom scale and noted my weight (including clothing, trenchcoat, mudcaked chukka boots). Then I weighed myself again, including clothing, trenchcoat, boots, AND the package labeled “Fruit Medley,” and subtracted the difference. I found that the “Fruit Medley” weighed in at 2.046 ounces. “What a windfall,” I thought. I couldn’t wait to find out what was in the package, and without flushing, ran back out to the kitchen (after washing my hands of course). I opened the box and found this:

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Looked just like the package photo. I gotta admit that the package also says, “Our Family’s Best Since 1906,” and I imagine that a bushel of fruit from over 100 years ago might look something like it.

But that’s not the point of this post. Daughter Bunkessa showed me this:

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It’s a bag of bread, labeled “Baked Bread.” Forget that it’s apparently made from wild berry flour, it’s baked bread. I’ve had the other kind, and it’s a lot like a cold bowl of Hormel chili.

But that’s not the point of this post either. While I was in the bathroom weighing the “Fruit Medley” I noticed this on the counter:

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Think about this. If you wash your face with facial cream, and the cream gets dirty and disgusting, what can you do? This product solves the problem.

Is this a Great Country or what?

Another Great Gift Idea: Pie Face

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Lookout Chess! Here’s a true game of strategy. Just like “Connect One,” it all has to do with the preparation. Like it says on the box, “It’s the most fun-filled action GAME you’ve ever played,” with “you’ve” meaning all four of you.

[Found on Rockhopper… Thanx Dan.]

(I Can Has Cheezburger?)

Um…

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Ah, um…

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Bunk can tolerate microwaved frozen sliders, and experienced the joys of igde pshat and the Habañero, but I have to draw the line at this canned delicacy. For now.

[Story found here. Image found via link. Original story, um, I dunno. Maybe here. In English or Spanish, it’s still wrong.]

When Apples Go Bad

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All it took to send them into rebellion was one innocuous comment.

“Hey Bob! Bob Oso! Y’all truckin’ Granny Smith again?” The Jonagolds had had enough.

[Related post here.]

Rock Candy

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Look here. Bunk knows peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and you, Reese, are no peanut butter and banana sandwich maker.

What young Bunky liked better were peanut butter and sweet pickle sandwiches, combining the flavor of Jif with the crunch of baby gerkins. And vice versa.

Fortunately, Reese acknowleged that these bastardized confections have artificial flavor, so you can rest assured that it doesn’t taste exactly like the King. They made up for the chicanery by labeling the bag, “Collector Edition,” thus snagging all the compulsive candy-collectors investors hoping to score big bucks months or years from now in the Reese’s Cups futures market.

So just how many bags do you have stashed away in your safe deposit box?

[Image from Bockety.]

Worse than Dog Breath

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Although there are two cats around here that Bunk denies ownership of, other members of the Family Strutts claim to know about catbreath. (Word is it’s nasty. I’ll stay with the possums… at least they don’t climb up on my lap, stare at my chin stubble, and say, “H-h-h-howdy.”)

[Image from Ms. Cellanea.]