Category: News Not

Red Sox’ Ballcaps are Full of It

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Cincinnati, Ohio, Crosley Field – (Strutts News Services)
Red Sox relief pitcher Lannie Foosers was dismayed to find a flaw in the SoxBox of Secret Weapons. In order to “Run Faster, Jump Higher,” team management outfitted all players with baseball caps (head caps for baseball) manufactured by Keds and made entirely of Flubber.

Almost entirely. The revolutionary headgear, designed to be worn on the head as gear, was manufactured with Type X-WR Velcro, a combination of common Velcro infused with SuperGlue. The resulting chemical product was intended to secure the gear to a player’s pate to enhance his performance, without detection.

Mr. Foosers, while airborne, managed to detach his cap from his head and avoid a potentially life threatening situation.

Bob “The Bobster” Bieber (RF, bats left, no record to speak of) bruised his head repeatedly on the concrete ceiling of the dugout before Foosers became airborne. The caps were painfully removed from the rest of the team and no other problems were reported.

The Red Sox went on to win the exhibition game against the East Overshoe (PA) Scorpions of something to something else in extra innings, and nobody cared. Ditto.

[Photo via Drudge.]

Greetings Red Sox Faithful Readers.
Stick around as often as you like. -Bunk

Before You Open Up a Can of This…

… you better have a good reason and know what you’re doing.

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If you stupidly decide to mess with a Veteran, understand that Veterans each have at least one can within arm’s reach at all times, and they all know how to use it. Comes with experience.

For everyone else, you can create your own can labels here. Give a can of Whoop-Ass to someone who’s earned it.

Saturday Matinee: One Domino Trashes a Town, and unrelated stuff

According to Arbroath, this was Guiness’ most expensive television advertisement to date, costing 10m pounds (about $2.1 million US bucks). Filmed in a village in Argentina, the whole town came out to watch. If our crack webminers can find a link to a “making of” video, we’ll update this post, but it’s more likely we’ll just tip a stout and be done with it.

Totally unrelated to the video above, our crack webminers turned up a video from 1970, from the Flip Wilson Show. This broadcast changed my life… or at least a good part of it.

The band appeared at Woodstock. Yes, that Woodstock, 1969. These guys played alongside Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Crosby Stills & Nash, Mountain, Arlo Guthrie, Country Joe & the Finch, Richie Havens, Carlos Santana, Joni Mitchell, Melanie, Joan B. Depressed, Bobby Bieber and the SlimJims, Brittney Spears, etc.

Bunk was too young to attend Woodstock, but Bunk was allowed to watch TV. This is what Bunky witnessed at his grandparents house and loved it. ShaNaNa was IT.

This was Bunk’s introduction to DooWop. ShaNaNa sent me on a mission to hear the original versions by the Marcels, the Paragons, Dion, Gene Chandler, the Isley Brothers, the Zodiacs, the Del-Vikings, the Chips, the Chords, the Channels, Harvey & the Moonglows, Shep and the Limelights, the Ronnettes, the Shirelles, Leon Redbone, Led Zeppelin, Dread Zeppelin, Bob Marley and the Wailers, the Police, the Ramones, Elvis Costello, Tom Waits, the Sensational Alex Harvey Band, the Stray Cats, Frank Zappa, the Aquabats, the Skatalites, Moms Mabley and the Beat Farmers (featuring the late Country Dick Montana)… and not necessarily in that order. Oh, and I forgot the Solid Voidz featuring Big Don P.

Fill in the band(s) I might have missed in the comments section.

Danger, danger, danger

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WEEKENDER is one of my favorite Sunday newspaper glossy parchment inserts, complete with advertisements for gaudy porcelain figurines of unicorns and mermaids with dolphins, Elvis commemorative plates, weight loss testimonials, uncirculated overpriced coins, specious gossip about famous people that I don’t know and don’t care about. It usually has articles on high blood pressure, prostate cancer, senility and mammograms to give you something to discuss with your family over breakfast.

I lost my original copy of this November 2006 issue, but itch one of the best, in this Bunk’s opinion.

[From the Onion archives.]

China Denies Reverse Engineering Mice

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呼和浩特 (從Strutts通訊社滑稽的荒唐) –

hu先生否認中國是違反版權法通過拆卸老鼠。
「沒有法律版權在老鼠設計! 我們的所有是拆卸我們捉住的那个，創造一個較不昂貴的方式做他們，放回他們一起，并且他們是，像新一樣。 然後我們賣他們到美國，美國人吃他們。「

[Photographic evidence provided by Sourfizz. English to Traditional Chinese translator may be found here. The re-translation back to English is close enough for Bunk. Bite the wax tadpole.]

UPDATE: Although the post preview displayed actual chinese characters, WordPress changed them to question marks in the final post. Here is the re-translation from Traditional Chinese to English:

Huhhot (from the Strutts news agency funny absurd) –

Mr. hu denies China is violates the copyright law through the disassemblage mouse.
“Does not have the legal copyright in the mouse design! We all are that which disassembles us to seize, creates a not expensive way to be them, returns them together, and they are, new is likely same. Then we sell them to arrive US, the American eat them.”

How can you argue with that?

Herd of Indricotheria Captured

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Cerro Gordo, California (Strutts News Services)

Long believed to be extinct, a small herd of female Indricotheria was discovered Thursday by two amateur Porphyrophobic scientists at a local watering hole.

Ms. Tooncie Crumbler of the Cerro Gordo Oceanic Institute described the find as “…something so incredibly awesome! We saw them in their natural habitat before we corralled them. They were so docile.”

“They had the distinct odor of unglazed, unfired pottery, and showed pink scars where they had been injured from fighting for dominance,” added Mr. Lannie Foosers, Ms. Crumbler’s assistant and mentor. “We found no males in the herd, but they must be around somewhere.”

The herd, eleven in all including one juvenile, was transported without incident to the Inyo County Fairgrounds, where they will be fed and sheltered until their rightful owners show up to claim them.

[Original photo source lost. Mrs. Strutts says it’s prolly behind the couch, mixed in with the cat stuff.]

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Welcome Growabrain readers. Feel free to crawl around here as much as you like. Fresh stuff daily.

[Related post here.]

It Jumps, You Die

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It’s stealthy. It’s got a taser. You won’t hear it until it’s too late. You might innocuously assume that it’s the office cat, and the next thing you know you’re twitching uncontrollably on the floor and your computer screen displays the BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH. Welcome to the world of hand-to-hand cyber combat.

Folks, I honestly don’t know what this is all about, but you can find a video of it in action at NoPuedoCreer. I’m carrying insulated tin snips and a thermos full of saltwater from now on just in case.

Cheetos Sculpture Update

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Paris, Hilton (Strutts News Services) – The Cheetos sculpture featured here a coupla days ago has since been dismantled, piece-by-piece by an expert team of engineers (above).

Each and every Cheeto of the sculpture was carefully numbered, and its position in the sculpture was meticulously recorded, in order to transport and reassemble it in other artistic venues.

Unfortunately, five members of UCHU Local 21 (United Cheetos Handlers Union) disassembled the entire sculpture within 45 minutes, but neglected to preserve the integrity of the inch-long building blocks.

UCHU spokesman Dion DiMucci of Belmont (2nd from right in back) stated, “We were hired to dismantle it. Nothing in our contract said we couldn’t chew it down.”

Now for the weather: Scattered litigation, with payoffs, is expected.

[Photo via MiniatureBrainwave.]

Global Warming: It’s a Good Thing

https://web.archive.org/web/20111113053411/https://tackyraccoons.com/2007/09/24/global-warming-its-a-good-thing/

Otis Did Not Invent the Elevator

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Otis was a recurring character on the Andy Griffith Show. Otis did not invent the elevator. He invented an automatic braking system so that people wouldn’t fall to their deaths if a pulley or cable broke. His invention allowed the construction of modern day high-rise structures.

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Aunt Bea invented the elevator, a shoe insert that allowed her to scold Opie without standing on a chair.

This is a true story (as far as you know).

[Photos from here and here.]