Stupid – Page 170 – Tacky Raccoons

28 MARCH 8:30PM – PARTY LIKE IT’S 2009

At 8:30PM tonight, make sure you turn all your lights on, power up your TVs and stereos, and celebrate the Technological Achievements of Humanity. Get in your cars and drive somewhere, just for the sake of it, and just for fun. Raise and lower your garage doors, and run your washing machines. Run the dryer without anything in it. Got a power mower? Crank it up. Heat up your cat’s food in the microwave. Take your dog out to Burger King. Make as many long distance telephone calls as you can. Run your dishwasher with half of the normal load, and run the other half separately. Open up your refrigerator door, and look without removing anything to eat. Do it again. Download updates for all your computer programs and email them to all your friends.

LET’S CELEBRATE AMAZING ACHIEVEMENTS FOR A CHANGE!

“But why should I do that?” you ask. I’ll tell you.

We’re fighting Global Cooling. Mostly we’re fighting Global Idiocy, but let’s call it Global Cooling for now. The feel-good crowd will never know the difference anyway.

Those folks who think that turning their electricity off for an hour will “save the planet” (or “send a message” to someone or something) are the same folks who stood outside their homes a couple of years ago with candle wax dripping over their fingers, believing that the space shuttle was gonna zoom by and take a photo of the earth lit up with peace candles. My message is:

PUT YOUR LIGHTS ON!

Saturday Matinee: Judge ’em for yourselves

They have a website. Really.

[Links above were found via AfroJacks.]

Great parody by National Lampoon, back when they were funny existed.

Nice reference to Ten Years After’s “I’d Love To Change The World” at 2:25 above. So here ’tis:

“Tax the rich, feed the poor, until there are rich no more.”

Alvin Lee and Ten Years After (live at Woodstock 1969) covered over a dozen classic blues songs in one great jam.

Mr. T vs. Chuck Norris vs. …FRANK?!

Sunday funnies extraordinaire.

chucknorrismrt-frank1

Rarely do I laugh out loud at internest humor, but this absurd mashup is pure efficient genius. Full story here, via here.

[Several very related archived posts may be retrieved and perused here and here.]

“Congratulations! You Are A Piece of ____ !”

You’ve seen them. They began on the C and D Blogs, and they’re all over the B Blogs now. Dopey questionnaires that ask you to answer five or six odd questions, none of which can be answered wrong. Then you submit your answers, and the magic internest blogsite genii tells you what kind of breakfast cereal you are, or some such drivel.

Don’t know what I’m railing about? Here are a few examples:

What kind of afro-desiac are you?

What kind of paper clip do you most resemble?

If you were a freakin’ cupcake, would you be less of a dork?

What kind of imaginary powers that would raise you up from your own miserable pathetic little life that you would wish for, assuming you have a life to begin with?

The results of these inane surveys are then posted on the authors’ websites with a proclamation such as “I am a furry little wombat/budgie hybrid who enjoys hot cocoa.” Barf.

So, then, I have a proposal for y’all. Whenever and wherever you find a blog that asks you to take a dopey “What Kind Of ___ Am I” type quiz, don’t bother clicking on the link. Just answer “I’m Asparagus.” No further explanation is necessary.

Let’s get rid of this obnoxious trend so we can get on with REALLY inane blogging, like cat snoring videos:

Monopolygamy

lolcat-monopoly_tech-and-amusing-stuff

[Image from somewhere. I hate lolcats, I just liked the colors.]

i smells bukkits

lol-sbd [Original image from somewhere in here.]

HOT NEWS FLASH: Global Warming Was Stopped In Its Slimy Little Tracks in 1998

global-warming-protest_halbot-mail-090207

Washington D.C. (Strutts News Services) – Global warming came to a screeching halt for the sweaty huddling masses that converged upon our nation’s capitol on Wednesday, 4 March 2009 (ironically a day after Microsoft issued its Service Pack 3 update that froze the computers here at TR HQ).

According to one source found via Drudge:

“Global warming activists stormed Washington Monday for what was billed as the nation’s largest act of civil disobedience to fight climate change — only to see the nation’s capital virtually shut down by a major winter storm.

Schools and businesses were shuttered, lawmakers cancelled numerous appearances and the city came to a virtual standstill as Washington was blasted with its heaviest snowfall of the winter.

It spelled about six inches of trouble for global warming activists who had hoped to swarm the Capitol by the thousands in an effort to force the government to close the Capitol Power Plant, which heats and cools a number of government buildings, including the Supreme Court and the Capitol.

The snowy scene, with temperatures in the mid-20s, was reminiscent of a day in January 2004, when Al Gore made a major address on global warming in New York — on one of the coldest days in the city’s history.

Protest organizers said about 2,500 people braved the blizzard to oppose greenhouse gas emissions, but the shroud of snow wasn’t the only wet blanket in the nation’s capital Monday.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who called on the architect of the Capitol to stop burning coal at the power plant last week, cancelled her appearance at the rally because her flight to Washington was cancelled.

Michelle Obama canned a public “Read Across America” event and HUD Secretary Shaun Donovan canceled a meeting with the Democratic Caucus because the members of Congress couldn’t get to D.C. An honor cordon at the Pentagon for Afghanistan’s defense minister also had to be called off.

Some protesters couldn’t make it as dozens of flights in the area were delayed or called off, and some couldn’t face the dangerous roads or blustery weather, leaving hundreds safe, if sorry, back at home.”

Let’s sum this up:

Due to the freezing temperatures, civil disobediancers could not be civilly disobedient; Vandals weren’t able to vandalize the HVAC systems serving many buildings employing thousands of people; Members of congress suddenly became invisible; Nancy Pelosi thinks the Architect of the Capitol shovels coal; Michelle Obama couldn’t read due to the cold; HUD couldn’t formulate more plans for taxpayer-funded housing, and Afganistan’s defense minister is all humpy because he was snubbed.

Meanwhile Al Gore reluctantly admitted that meteorologists and other climate scientists are not credible on the topic of global warming, as none of the nay-sayers have government research funding, and none have served as vice president in any country, province or protectorate.

Pheew.

[Image from here. Related globaloids and stuff here.]

Have Anybody Particular in Mind?

stop-abusing-from-satellite1

We know nothing about this photo except that it is an excellent depiction of an afterthought from someone apparently named “Satellite.” He had a great (yet vague) directive for all passersby to “Stop Abusing.” Good thing he clarified it, otherwise he’d look like a moron.

[Found here via EB‘s sidebar.]

We Be Tagged: Three Things

God I hate these things, but I take it as a kind of compliment/curse. Aerchie tagged me with this: shipwreck1

“Your ship has sunk. You have, of course, been stranded on a deserted island. You have salvaged a copy of the King James Version of the Bible and a copy of the complete works of Shakespeare. Nothing else.

“The very next day you find one of those Arabian Lamps in the sand. Of course, you rub it and, of course, a rather grumpy Genie appears.

“‘Let’s get this straight – there is a recession going on. There are restrictions on the three wishes now. I don’t do water or air transport now so no boats, planes or magic carpets. As for electronics, forget it. There isn’t the infrastructure on this island.

“‘I can let you have one book and I mean one VOLUME, one essential item and one luxury item. Now hurry up and make your choices, I have to get to those five other islands you are going nominate.'”

So I choose:

Book: “Guide to Survival” by Rich Johnson (or a 1940’s edition of “The Boy Scout Handbook”).

Essential Item: A Dutch Oven.

Luxury Item: Whoa. That’s a tough one since all items are luxury items in this scenario. I could score points on the homefront by choosing a family photo of Mrs. Strutts, Bunkarina and Bunkessa, to give me hope for survival, but the photo would deteriorate over time. So for the “Luxury Item” I choose self-controlled lucid hallucinations of my own memories.

“’OK, that is easily handled. So, where am I off to next?’”

Oh man am I gonna piss off some folks. Sorry guys. (Lemme know how YOU combat this annoyance.) Here we go, genii:

Amy, Casual Jen, CC, Phil, VE.

[Images from here and here.]

Growing Dogs: Part 3 – Repotting

growing-dogs

[This is Part 3 of an ongoing series on Growing Dogs. Previous hints and tips may be found here .]

Pisgah, OH (Strutts News Services) –

From Part 1 — Growing Dogs

Anyone who has tried to raise big dogs in the city understands the difficulties involved. One authority, Ms. Tooncie Crumbler, has beat the odds and raised several healthy crops of Retrievers Golden outside her flat in downtown Pisgah.

We contacted Ms. Tooncie Crumbler, president of the Ohio Canine Planting Society, and asked her about the importance of planter sizing when raising pups.

“It all has to do with hybridization,” said Ms. Crumbler. “Many hybrids require larger containers, lest they get rootbound. If you pay attention to their growth patterns, these breeds will let you know when repotting is necessary for healthy growth.”

Ms. Crumbler said that the signs are usually obvious. “If the soil begins spilling from the top of the planter, that’s usually a good indication that the pup is ready for the next size up. If you don’t replant within two to three weeks, your crop’s roots will be stunted, and that dog won’t hunt.”

[Coming up: Part 4 – Pruning.]

[Image from here. ]