Tacky Raccoons

Although the World Cup actually began yesterday somewhere in Africa, the USA team kicked England’s arse in a tie of 1-1. I’ll explain why shortly.

The game supposedly originated when victorious Brits began a game of kicking around the skull of a dispatched Roman soldier. Eventually the skull was replaced with an inflated sheep’s bladder (brilliance), and they began kicking that up and down the path between rival villages. The game spread to other villages, and gained the name of “Association Football,” abbreviated to “Assoc.” A participant was termed an “Assoc-er,” thus was the game of Soccer introduced into the English speaking world.

I doubt the previous summary is entirely accurate, but humor me for the attempt at historical improvisation.

Most Americans these days are introduced to Soccer (or Football as the rest of the civilized world calls it) via AYSO, an excellent organization that introduces their kids to the sport and allows parents to yell at each other with impunity over rules they don’t understand. The offsides rule is particularly difficult for us yanks to comprehend because you can’t actually see it unless you are standing right behind the line judge (who is constantly in motion up and down the sidelines) when the foul occurs.

So today, England, the ancestral homeland of the sport, was supposed to have had an easy win over the supposedly inept USA team. It was expected to be a blowout, and with a goal within the first five minutes of play, England led by infinity. However, in the last few minutes of the first half, the Brit keeper floundered allowing a tie score. He’s on suicide watch now, although it wasn’t entirely his fault as nine of his own teammates blew it before the bladder even reached him.

The USA team should be proud, even at a final score of 1-1. England got their pointy little noses polished. Now we’ll work on their teeth.