How To Secede Without Really Trying

Conch Republic Flag

With all the recent Huffin’ N Puffin’ N Rapier Rattlin’ from some small sectors about States seceding from The Union (due to rampant fiscal insanity emanating from Washington D.C.) kudos to Key West and Mayor Dennis Wardlow. His preceding secession succeeded.

On April 23, 1982, the Florida keys seceded from the Union. Frustrated that a U.S. Border Patrol checkpoint was obstructing the main artery to the mainland, Key West mayor Dennis Wardlow opted for a lighthearted public relations campaign: He proclaimed his “Conch Republic” a separate nation, declared war on the United States, surrendered one minute later, and applied for $1 billion in foreign aid.

Since then the republic has maintained an uneasy peace with its giant neighbor. On Sept. 20, 1995, when an Army reserve battalion forgot to notify Key West of local training exercises, Wardlow mobilized for war. He sent letters to Bill Clinton, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and secretary of state Warren Christopher, and his militia engaged La Dichosa Bakery to bake Cuban bread with which to pelt the convoy (“our historic weapon of choice for dealing with Federalist Forces”) and Key West Lager “to provide the beer.”

By 10:50 p.m. they had received a fax from the battalion’s leaders stating that they had “in no way meant to challenge or impugn the sovereignty of the Conch Republic.” An official surrender ceremony was held two days later.

[Story burgled in its entirety from Futility Closet because Greg Ross is so entirely bitchin’ and everyone should send him money. There’s a somewhat related post here.]

Happy Father’s Day

After his wife died giving birth to their sixth child, Civil War vet Henry Jackson Smart was left to raise the litter all by himself. Imagine, if you will, what the average day was like for Henry: six kids of varying age screaming, kicking the crap out of each other, wetting the bed, refusing to eat their vegetables. It was hard on the single father until he found himself a worthy partner to alleviate the stresses of child-rearing: beer, and lots of it.

Fueled by the saintly patience only good ale can provide, Henry did such a good job with the kids that he inspired his daughter, Sonora Smart Dodd, to organize the first Father’s Day on June 19th, 1910. Fourteen years later, President Calvin Coolidge proclaimed the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, and Nixon, established it as a permanent day of national observance in 1972.

[Image and story found here.]

Girls Just Wanna Have Oops

When you wear Bud you’ve worn it all.

[Found here.]

FAIL WIN

Awesome beer save.

[Found here.]

1904 Budweiser Commercial

[Song lyrics and link to recording below the break.]

Continue reading “1904 Budweiser Commercial”

64.7% of Non-Registered Eligible Voters Support a 3rd Party


[via]
According to a recent survey conducted by StruttsPolls™ a large majority of 22 year-old white male non-registered eligible voters would support a 3rd party because they couldn’t remember the first two.

64.7% of the non-registered voters polled in Rudy’s backyard last weekend said that they’d register to vote if the Party Party was established. The remaining 35.3% wavered between the Toga Party and the Hot Chicks Naked In Jacuzzis With Beer Party.
[Story courtesy Strutts News Services.]

The .Gif Friday Post No.164 – Rollerballboy, Intumescence & Beer

[Found here, here and here.]

Back To College Tips

Remember to keep hydrated. With a heavy glass schedule, multi-tasking saves time.

If choking on food, this is NOT the way to perform the “Heimlich Maneuver.” It might get you free beers, though.

Share a house/apartment/dorm room with people you can’t stand to save on beer money.

Stay tuned — More tips coming up.  Or not.

First and Last Date: CHEERS!

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Oktoberfest Surprise.

[Image from somewhere in here… hard to find the exact link after the fact.]

Here’s Where We Left Off…

From Yesterday’s episode:

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“‘How do I do it?’ I get the kids to do it. They made the mess in the first place. Get up off the floor, honey, and bring me a beer.”

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“Thanks, Hon! I thought we were out!”

“No, dear. Don and Betty just arrived and they brought refreshments.”

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“Well look who else showed up! It’s Olivia and Harry!”

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“What did Harry bring, dear?”

“Uh, a bottle opener… with soda. Did you tell the kids to clean the bathroom?”

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“I thought Rick and Bob were coming.”

“They’re out by the community pool, discussing very important issues of the day, and dinosaurs. They should be here soon.”

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“Don’t worry about them, Dave! We gotcha covered! What’s that racket?!”

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“It’s Brenda from the next trailer over. Let her play it a couple of times, tell her how much you like it, and she’ll stop.”

“Brenda! Is that you? How are you! I need to replace the needle on the phonograph so it doesn’t damage your record. Meanwhile, have a beer!”

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“Honey, where are the kids?”

“Cleaning the bathroom, dear, like you asked.”

[Apparently, Ted and Sally found Mommy’s anti-stress medicine and were out for the rest of the evening.]

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“Hey everybody! Supper’s almost ready, but I forgot to fillet the fish! Let’s have another round!”

“Harry, you’re such a spaz.”

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“Nothing like fish with a good ale I always say.”

“Aw, B.S. Dave. You never say that. Where’s Rick?”

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“Right behind you, John! How ’bout a little after-dinner apertif? Where’s Dan? He was supposed to have dessert ready by now.”

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“Dan? Oh Da-a-an! Where’d he wander off to this time?…”

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[Epilogue: At 7:43 pm, a fist fight erupted over the ruined dessert. 8:25pm the camera crew from COPS arrived. By 9:06pm police had shut down the party, and incarcerated the residents of the entire trailer park, excepting, of course, Ted and Sally who were still navigating multiple dimensions of existence and couldn’t be detected readily.

Everyone lived happily ever after, even though they never spoke to one another again.]

All illustrations above are from the excellent archives of Plan59.