“He’s got a ’30 Ford Wagon and he’s got nothing to brag about;
Panama City, here we come.” Meanwhile his future wife takes an elbow to the head.
[Found at My Parents Were Awesome.]
Category: Automotive
Babe Magnet: Die KlinkerKar
Very little needs to be said about this brickbat mobile that isn’t intuitively obvious to the casual observer, except that the roof screams for asphalt shingles and vinyl gutters. Aluminum sliding windows would have been a nice touch. No need for a carwash either, as a vinegar solution with a wire brush should keep the efflorescence in check for months. Pure efficient genius. We’ll even give him credit and kudos for the keystones.
Although he’ll never get a girlfriend built like a brick youknowwhat, at least Mr. Mason knows how to perpendicular park.
[Found here.]
Some Be Hatin’ on my Babe Magnet.
Wow. Somebody put a lot of thought and effort into magnetizing this 2006 Chevy Impotent while at the same time cleverly advertising his lack of graphic talent. So let’s break it down.
The windshield motto indicates that the owner of this beauty, Tyrone, has a prison record and we taxpayers certainly paid for his incarceration “All Day.”
It’s also intuitively obvious to the casual observer that he reads Playboy for the advertisements. The symbolism behind four pairs of red dice and the dollar signs suggests that Tyrone fancies himself a gambler, and he patronizes crimson casinos exclusively.
The front bumper indicates that at least two or more people hate him, and they’re all ex-girlfriends that he borrowed money from to recoup his lost wagers/wages. I’ll bet it had something to do with his jail time.
The dashboard is carefully upholstered with a tailored moving blanket, and we can safely assume that the rest of the interior is similarly furnished. Pure efficient genius.
Then there’s the “Jesus” plate that makes it all seem better. Whatta ride.
“Try DOME GAS – It’s Better”
[Larger image can be found here.]
WHOA! 23¢ a gallon! And what a GREAT slogan.
Let’s talk about gas prices vs. inflation.
Inflation calculator: 1926-2009 = 1,108.2%
Price per Gallon in 1926 (regular, leaded): $0.23/gal
Federal Gasoline Tax (up to 1933): $0.01/gal = 4.55%
Actual cost per gallon (1926 dollars): $0.22/gal
Actual cost per gallon, less taxes (2009 dollars): $2.66/gal
Price per Gallon (regular unleaded) 10 July 2009: $2.90/gal
Federal Gasoline Tax 2009: $0.184/gal
California (Local + State + Fed Taxes) 6 July 2009:
$0.645/gal* = 2.9%
* Includes CA Sales Tax (7.25%) CA County & Local Sales Tax (1.25%), and UST tax (1.2%) whateverTF that is.
Actual cost per gallon, less taxes (July 2009): $2.26/gal**
**Note that the base price stated for California gasoline includes costs for state mandated fuel additives, summer/winter mixes, ethanol. Note also that this amount includes franchise fees, business license fees, miniscule profit by the small business folks, and Swantzenegger Boxer Feinswein Pelosi & Waxman fees, other “revenue enhancement fees” emanating from Sacramento, and costs for gettin’ the lead out.
[Sources found here and here.]
Now Let’s talk about mileage and cost and technology.
Babe Magnet: Car d’boardage
When planning to turn a lame ride into something truly sucky, there are only four words to remember: Corrugated Cardboard ‘N’ Duct Tape. (The “N” word doesn’t count.)
So how do we analyze this pathetic attempt at true Babe Magnetage? Hard to say. But there are three likely scenarios.
1. The owner of this Ford POS has absolutely no budget, but works in a parts warehouse with lots of, um, materials at hand. He’s your run-of-the-mill petty thief, specializing in recyclables, and dreams about the world of industrial design while wishing he worked in a fiberglass plant;
2. The owner of the Ford POS got peer-punked by co-dorks who had some off-time when the local Arby’s closed, and decided to give him a high school graduation present consisting of one last mockery;
3. The owner of the Ford POS is a boob who ran out of spray paint to finish it off before attempting to sell the Ford POS on Ebay as an Eddie Bauer Edition.
We predict the project will be abandoned while still in its infancy.
The cardboard spoiler and skirts will be torn off leaving big ol’ honkin’ duct tape marks where the paint used to be, and the owner of the Ford POS will decide to up the ante for True Babe Magnet Status (think flat black spraypaint finish with green and orange fluorescent spackle flames) before he dumps it off on his gullible younger brother for an amount that will take him years to pay off.
Pure efficient genius.
[Image found here. Excellent collection of more Babe Magnetage here.]
P.S. I keep forgetting to use the forbidden word “retarded.”
Once a Babe Magnet, always a Babe Magnet.
What to do when your Babe Magnet bites the dust? Rent it out! Face it, there’s value in everything, and in this case, the upholstery still works.
Tattoo Mullet Ricky (as he’s known to locals) has made several economical improvements to his efficiency unit, adding solar screening to reduce the heat gain, and a semi-recessed composter for waste recycling.
His night job breaking down pallets for firewood gave him the idea to upgrade his living space. Now he can get a decent day’s sleep without being shooed from bus benches and dumpster enclosures. At night, he rents out the room to those less fortunate than he in exchange for something that kinda makes our skin crawl just to think about it.
The Invisimobile
Babe Magnet: The Batmoboil
Whoa. Batman logo with tinyperkynipples, on a Chrysler Minivan no less. Let’s all scream, “PARTYMOBILE!” Bijonce and her sister Charlondra be gonna jump de bones of the driver of this dragon wagon, assuming they can see over the hood to appreciate the majesty of it all.
Of course the neighborhood girls are way underage, and the only way they’d see the attraction is if Bozoman personally lifted them higher than his blood alcohol level x the height of the hood ornament. Fortunately Bozoman can’t, and has to rely on subterfuge to get his prey into the Mommyvan. Fortunately for Bijonce and her sister, they’re both armed with tasers and the bone-breaking physical paybacks of the self-defense kind.
This conundrum leaves Bozoman with nothing but his two Bozofriends and a couple of quarts of beer. Since no significant otter, either outside or inside of Bozoman’s Mommyvan, can view the Batmoboil Logo, the only way the lame-o paintjob boosts this embarrassing piece of dorkness to the level of Babe Magnet is in the mindvapors of Bozoman himself.
[This image from Woosk, related by bastardized ancestry to this post, has been added to the Great Babe Magnet Archive.]
Babe Magnet: The VW Basbo Flash
I honestly don’t know the story behind this amazing feat of engineering, but here it is.
Very cool. The styling just screams high performance babe magnet.
Serious aerodynamics here. This dragon wagon chills at close to the speed of light and it beats your ride even while parked. Okay, it’s got an unfortunate license plate, but hey, the hotness overrides the WOBL1. Let’s have a look at the interior.
IT’S A COCKPIT! Way cool. But, um, where is the silicone/saline siren supposed to sit? Seems to be a slight design oversight, but admit it, you’re still cruising at 3,000 feet right?
Not quite. Sometimes scale matters. You are travelling at whelp speed in a truncated tadpole…
..only worse. It’s a Mars Bar with wheels and an embarrassing license plate.
Screw it; it’s basic transportation. Let’s mess with the traffic and laugh about it while feeling Green and saving the planet. (Sorry, there’s no room for you. Get your own tadpole, mooch.)
So is it a Babe Magnet or not? Phhht. For the money, I’d buy a Harley and a rainsuit instead, and I’d still get better mileage than Mr. Tadpole.
BUT if I were forced into driving a dorkmobile, and only upon penalty of death, I’d choose this, if only for the nostalgia:
Sam Lowry drove a Messerschmitt in BRAZIL.
[Top images via email from Dan S. Don’t miss this excellent collection of Babe Magnets.]
Russki Babeski Magnetski
Nothing screams “BABE MAGNET” like a genuine Russian NyetMobile painted in puke greeen, with pink and yellow highlights.
Nevermind the exhaust pipes/mufflers/after-burners that keep the rear quarter panel aluminum trim from overheating, and ignore the rear mudflops an inch above the pavement. (Yes, I called them mudflops.)
What makes this a genuine Babe Magnet is not the tumor growing from the rear boot, nor the tumor monitor mounted just inches away.
It’s not the surfboard rack either, although Comrade Pav’s ride certainly gains some serious Babe Magnetage points there. Look closer for the REAL love bait… closer… closer…
Woop! It’s either a lion with it’s paws spewing stinky vapors, or it’s THIS GUY. You be the judge.
After analyzing the image in detail, we conclude that this vehicle reeks with Pure Efficient Genius, and thus meets the criteria to be declared a genuine IABM (Instant Awesome Babe Magnet).
[Image from the always excellent HERE. Don’t miss The World’s Most Amazing Collection of Babe Magnets HERE.]
Tacky Raccoons 