Category: Humor

Mrs. Jenkins

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Mrs. Jenkins. Everyone knew her by name, yet she knew none of ours. She never spoke, except when we walked down the line pretending to stick our fingers down our throats.

Mrs. Jenkins was The Lunch Lady, and she had a hair net and a mole. She worked the serving line in the Maple Dale Elementary School cafeteria serving up fluorescent orange “sloppy joes” on buns that were more like pancakes; warm egg salad; green orbs with orange cubes (both having the consistency of PlayDoh) labeled as “peas & carrots;” and cheeseburgers consisting of a rectangular piece of asphalt roof shingle with a triangle of Velveeta. Oh, yeah… macaroni and Velveeta was available everyday.

EVERYBODY REMEMBERS MRS. JENKINS.

And now you can purchase Mrs. Jenkins, The Lunch Lady Action Figure just as you remember her and make her eat that garbage.

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The Lunch Lady Action Figure comes complete with steam table inserts for Mac & Velv, PlayDoh Peas, Mystery Meat, and all the other choices we shunned as kids. (Honest, I’m not shilling for them, but it’s available here. Other photo from here.)

TEMPERATURES INCREASE AROUND GLOBE

Globe, AZ (Strutts News Services) – According to one reputable source, TWC, Global temperatures are expected to increase as much as 26 degrees fahrenheit tomorrow, but should cool off later in the day. One local business owner isn’t happy.

Collie Davis of “Globe Industries” bemoans the extreme heat fluctuations. “We specialize in manufacturing garden gnomes. They come in many earth-tone colors, but this temperature shift has turned our entire stock to lobster red. Red Gnomes are ugly and just plain stupid!”

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Johan VanDinck, spokesgnome for URG (Union of Red Gnomes), threatened a mass walkout unless Davis retracts his statement. “There ain’t gonna be no Christmas until we settle this.”

Ongoing story is heating up; news here as it happens. Photo via Variant.

Vehicular Rollover Ahead

“Everybody buckled up?”

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“Let’s roll.”

Photo via Authorblog.

HE has a sense of humo(u)r.

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Yamba, New South Wales – (Strutts News Services)

Once again, GOD played a prank on the seaside community of Yamba on Thursday when he purchased a bottle of Ivory Liquid, metasized it, and poured it into the Pacific Ocean just 10 miles off the coast. The ocean knew what to do and churned up foam that spread 30 miles.

“Only the Almighty could pull one off like this,” said resident Robert “Dinker” Dinques. “We joke alot that HE must be bored watching us and all, and once in a while HE stirs the pot up a bit.”

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Photos via Arbroath. True story may be found there as well.

Boy, 10, Brought Home by Mothership

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Basil Mills, Nebraska – (Strutts News Services)

While 10-year-old Donny Plunck played the time-tested game of “See-How-Far-You-Can-Throw-A-Rock,” trouble was brewing. Unaware that he’d been tracked down by a larger and more intelligent force, he suddenly found himself airborne, and was transported back to his home over a mile away, by his left wrist.

Donny recalled the ordeal vividly. “It was a frightening eerie silence, all the way home, except for the wind.”

He was levitated all the way to his bedroom door when he heard a booming voice from above: “I TOLD you to clean your room! Now DO IT before your FATHERSHIP comes home!”

Donny was not harmed in any way, and his room was spotless by 5:23PM.

Photo via Neatorama. Sort of.

“What’d you say?”

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(Photo & caption blatantly lifted from Mattress Police in May ’07, and entirely without Diesel’s permission. I’ll give ’em back when I’m done.)

ZIGGY DEAD AT 36

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Ft. Lauderdale, FL – (Strutts News Services)
Beloved cartoon character “Ziggy” succumbed to a heat stroke on Thursday, when record temperatures caused an overload in the local power grid, shutting down the air conditioning in Mr. Z’s beach front condo. He was found unconscious and unresponsive by Lt. Commander Lannie Foosers of the Ft. Lauderdale Health and Rescue Division, and was pronounced dead on arrival at Holy Cross Hospital.

“Ziggy was a good guy, a guy you could trust,” sobbed neighbor and close friend, Ms. Janessa Vapors. “He wouldn’t not do nothin’ to not harm a flea, and now he’s gone. He’d trip over my sprinkler hose and get soaked at least once a week.”

“He always looked kinda waxy,” commented Mr. Bob Bieber, Ziggy’s groundskeeper. “He never looked like he had pants on, but his dog was okay.”

From Toonopedia: “His supporting cast includes a dog, Fuzz, whose main function is to echo and amplify Ziggy’s actions; a cat, Sid, who is afraid of mice; a parrot, Josh, who seldom has anything encouraging to say; a duck, Wack; and a fish, Goldie. These are augmented by an endless stream of auto mechanics, department store clerks, fortune tellers, psychoanalists, waitresses, etc., none of whom do much to brighten his life. He does not have a girlfriend.”

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(Photo: Ziggy and Fuzz in happier days)

Rest in Peace, Zigman. We’ll miss you.

Wavy Gravy Lives!

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George Carlin, and later Cheech y Chong, were arguably the first hippie comedians, although an argument could be made that all hippies were comedians. At least these guys were intentionally funny.

But Wavy Gravy owns the title of being the First Hippie Clown. He even played Woodstock, and he’s still alive.

Proof can be found on the Wavy Gravy Homepage.

Summertime in London

summertime-in-london.jpgCheck on him in the fall. Find out how cold the winter’s gonna be.
Photo snatched from here.

I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

Classic Ramones song, “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up,” as performed by Tom Waits:

Classic Tom Waits song, “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up,” as performed by the Ramones:

If I had to pick the only song that I was allowed to listen to for the rest of my life, this wouldn’t be it. Both versions might make my top 500, though.

P.S. Tom Waits wrote it.

[1st link via LGF. ]