Category: Douche Baggage

[Found here. This was originally intended to be posted on “Earth Day” but our internest access was on the fritz.]

I hate this “Earth Day” garbage. Nature has been trying to kill us off for millennia and has never back-pedaled the threat. Not once. And not once has the Earth given us the common courtesy to thank us for ignoring that undeniable fact.

So in response to “Earth Day,” we turned on all our lights, cranked up the furnace, cranked down the air conditioning, turned on the humidifier and dehumidifier at the same time, and left the refrigerator door open. I plugged in the electric weed-whacker, taped the trigger, watched it dance around the back yard and dig a trench into a fresh gopher run. Judging from the color of the dirt, it actually caught one of the little furry bastards.

We washed our socks one at a time in the Kenmore with the load setting on “full.” We flushed twice to make sure a silverfish was gone forever, and we made sure that the lawn sprinklers watered the sidewalk properly.

We also burned a lot of fossil fuel by taking numerous unnecessary trips to our next-door neighbors’ house for inane chit-chat and let the car idle in their driveway for hours until the Sears DieHard was simply glowing with happy amused electricity. We even left the TV on all night and turned the TiVo on to watch it for us.

And Gaia snickered.

[Related posts here.]