Apparently they’re service dogs being trained to sit through a movie without talking.
First, convince your couch that in darkness cats will claw its legs and arms and dogs will chew its cushions. Emphasize the importance of electric lighting as a deterrent.
Next, teach it how to sit upright. Explain how stray pocket change and detritus can accumulate over time in the bowels of a couch. Describe in simple, yet graphic detail, the damage it can cause to the very fabric of its nether regions.
Your couch will become nervous and agitated, so explain that in order to eliminate the foreign objects, it is necessary for it to elevate itself such that you (the Alpha Couch) may remove the offending items easily and painlessly from the lower end. Be gentle, and speak in soft voice.
Your couch will listen silently and attentively to your explanations and will cooperate fully (this is when you should replace the lightbulb and THEN collect the stray pocket change, pencils, pens, crayons, raisins, M&Ms and other miscellany) after which you should explain to your couch that you’d like to relax on it. Your couch will likely prostrate itself on the floor.
This erases its memory of the stressful event. Your couch will become content and pliable once again, especially if you spill something sticky on it.
[Image found here.]
Times 11. And that’s only her second stack. Don’t laugh or she’ll kick your arse… after she finishes the third stack. Suggest you run while you still have time.
Aside from that, a spammer asked me where Tacky Raccoons links were to FaceBlook and StumbleApron. Silly me, I’d never bothered about it, and wasn’t sure how to do it, so I emailed raincoaster because she knows everything I don’t – at least about blogging.
She pointed me to a WorpDress Forum (that she moderates as a
megageek Goddess of the Internest) that answered my question, and in turn I promised to hawk her chonis online:
Muchisimas grassyass, rain. You made me feel like a hundred bucks.
P.S. Rain is also author of The Longest Running Thread. Four years, and it’s not dead yet.
P.P.S. If you sign up for any of raincoaster’s seminars, be sure to tell her Bunk sent you. =)
There’s way too much carotene in this snake’s diet, so the responsible reptile raiser rewards it for successfully using the boa litter box in the closet with a cucumber instead. It’ll regain its natural color in a week or so.