Category: New Snot

Brick’s Spider

Bugs I can do…spiders…not so much.

Damn near wrecked my car once on I-81. Flipped down the sun visor and a big-ass spider, about the size of a manhole cover drops down about 6 inches in front of my face and just hangs there swinging ever so slightly on his 200 lb. shock cord, about as thick as my thumb. We were eye-to-eye and even with my sun-glasses on, he had me outnumbered 2 to 1. It was so big it completely blocked my view through the windshield. I think I blacked out for a moment because the next thing I remember I was off the side of the road, trying to get out of my car, with my seat-belt still hooked in.

I noticed my sunroof was open, and off to the side of the road something caught my eye. I saw what I thought looked like a deer being dragged through heavy brush with a similar colored shock cord with 2 big puncture wounds on his neck…and a hairy leg as big around as a telephone pole disappearing into the thickets.

It’s a good thing too, because if I’d have gotten out of my seat belt, that spider would have got a whoopin’ to end all whoopins.

[Image from here. Awesome story via Brick. Crossposted here.]

A Call for Entries

After a lot of head scratching, tooth grinding and butt itching, we’ve decided to conduct a joke contest.

This is a competition for all loyal visitors to Tacky Raccoons. There is a nice award to be had at no cost to you, but we can’t tell you what it is. All we can say is you’ll like it, because the winner gets to choose from a wide variety of awesome prizes (and that’s a big ‘ol honkin’ hint right there.)

Here’s the deal:

Submit your best one-line joke in the comments on this thread.

Originality is a definite plus, so claim credit; but if it’s not yours, at least quote the source. Post your best one-liner here, on this thread, and we’ll choose our favorites for a greatest hits poll vote next week.

Keep it clean. –Bunk

[Update– This is a cool dealie. Added a button on upper right that shows visitors from all over the world. Click here.]
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[Update 27 September: The prize is being sponsored by CafePress, and as part of the deal, we agreed to post this advert:

You can find millions of personalized gifts, hooded sweatshirts and 2011 wall calendars at CafePress – for any topic, interest or brand!

There you go. The wiener gets to choose their own prize up to $30!]

[THE CONTEST ENTRY WINDOW IS NOW CLOSED.  THE WIENER SHALL BE DETERMINED BY A POLL TO BE POSTED SOON. —Bunk]

700,000 PLUS!

WOOHOO!

Just took a peek at the stats and noticed that we’ve surpassed 700,000 hits since Tacky Raccoons done been borned! Thanks to everyone for stopping by.

[Update 24 September: Planetross offered his excellent technical advice for blogwhoring boosting traffic in the comments below, so we added a Justin Bieber .gif from here. Gag city.]


Nose Harp

[Found in Strider’s awesome collection of crap.]

1,292 Posts = 3rd Year Blogoversary!

Wow. Didn’t think we’d still be around this long. Mostly, we didn’t think at all, just got up did it, starting on 3 August 2007, and we’ve since passed 671,000 views!

The year certainly had its highlights. We had our busiest day, 18 October 2009, with over 20,500 hits. I was invited to post on both AmyOops and The Blogmocracy. Amy’s site is kind of a cornocopia of oddness, and The Blogmocracy is more about current events where I provide innocuous fodder for the Overnight Open Thread. It’s all a lot of fun.

We opened up The Tacky Raccoons Store for TR paraphernalia. Our new FaceBook page was hacked and deleted, but it’ll be up again soon. Thanks to all who logged in.

This post is a retrospective of our past year, listing the Top 10 greatest hits of Tacky Raccoons from August 2009 to August 2010. Previous years’ greatest hits are here and here.

So here are the Top 10 of the past twelve months, with last year’s rankings separated by an appropriate slash. NR = no rating,  indicating that the post either didn’t make rank or wasn’t posted last year. Click on the images to see the original posts.

Hey Ho! Let’s go!


No 10/NR: Steampunk Rabbit Hunt


No. 9/NR: The .Gif Friday Post No. 129 – Compound Pendulum, Nematode, Cat Slide


No. 8/6: Southern California Fires –  October 2007


No. 7/NR: Bloody Mushrooms With Teeth


No. 6/NR: How to REALLY piss off a golden retriever


No. 5/9: Lesbian Amputee Dwarf Porn
[The title of this one was pure blogwhoring at its best, and it’s still paying off.]


No. 4/1: Lol Ferret Episode 1
[This was the 2nd most popular post since this blog done be borned, with over 30,6oo hits since 8 November 2007.]


No. 3/3: Giant Woolly Bear Caterpillar Discovered Near Las Cruces, NM, Predicts Global Warming for Decades to Come
[Don’t miss the comments on this one.]


No. 2/NR: Amy’s Motivational Poster Collection

AND THE NUMBER ONE POST OF THE YEAR IS:

No. 1/NR: An Expensive Ignosecond
This post got close to 21,000 hits before we realized that the pictures didn’t show an accident. Those guys knew exactly what they were doing, and they did it with precision.

Thanks gobs to all of you who joined up and stayed with us these past years, keep on clicking on. Let’s hope and pray that the results of this year’s November elections bring us all back to prosperity.  –Bunk

[Tip o’ the tarboosh to this site that produced the top image.]

Necessity is a mother.

 

Once upon a time in a land of opportunity someone realized that there was a market for pig machines. Sitting for weeks on end, he pondered the problem before he went to the drafting board and came up with this excellent solution to a puzzle that had been bothering mankind since the first porkers were domesticated: how to adorn a sow with lipstick.

Obviously distraction was a key part of the resulting product, and once the animal was oblivious to its surroundings, one could also measure and weigh it. This data greatly reduced the amount of guessing that coopers required, allowing them to expand their trade, and thus pork barrel spending turned into a booming industry that survives to this day.

True story.

[Image from here, crossposted here.]

Draw Mohammed Day – 20 May 2010

Don’t know what this is all about? Hint: 1st Amendment, foreign-imposed censorship and imposition of world-wide sharia law. Click here and follow the links. Related googlesearch here. We cannot and should not kowtow to radicals of ANY nation or religion PERIOD. –Bunk

UPDATE 3 October 2021: Swedish artist who survived two murder attempts after drawing a cartoon of the Muslim Prophet Mohammed has died in a horror car crash. Lars Vilks, 75, was killed Sunday when the police car he was traveling in veered onto the wrong side of the road and collided with a truck. [LINK]

Another Great Gift Idea: Yuk-Man

Toys that feel and act like snot are always welcome in Bunk’s House. Almost as much fun as the real thing, too.

[Found here.]

Now More Than Ever, The New and Improved Cutting Edge Wave of the Future Tacky Raccoons Store is Officially Open!


This is blogwhoring at its worst, but it’s blogwhoring in the good sense of the word, and just in time for the Holidays. A simple click on either image will take you to the Official Cutting Edge Wave of the Future New and Improved Now More Than Ever Tacky Raccoons Store for almost all your clothing and caffeine container needs. After all, it’s for the children, and the awesome design is awesome.

Housebreaking Your Annelid

As with any pet, the first rule is to be firm and consistent with training, and remember that rewards generally work better than punishment.

Reward your annelid when it behaves well. Fill up the bathtub with damp (not wet) newspaper and coffee grounds for your annelid to explore. They love it!

Express your displeasure as soon as possible when your annelid misbehaves so that it connects its actions with your disapproval.

Do not yell at your annelid as they cannot hear. Stomp your feet instead. In severe cases of disobedience, keep a salt shaker nearby.

If your annelid leaves castings about the house, lock your pet in a brightly lit room for 10-15 minutes after rubbing your annelid’s nose in it. Dispose of the castings in the garden. Once your pet makes the connection between in-house castings and bright light, the number of “accidents”  should diminish.

When your annelid learns to moosh at the door to go out to leave castings, reward it when it returns by allowing it to explore any dark damp space, like that puddle next to the sump drain in the basement.

Above all, be patient. Properly trained and cared for, your annelid should live 10 years or more; otherwise you’ll  find it dead and dried up on the sidewalk and all the love and affection will be gone. Enjoy!

[Top image found here.]