I don’t know about you, but whenever our Fearless Leader speaks, I look around and imagine that he looks like something in our kitchen, like the water cooler. Somehow it makes it all better, because I know that our water cooler has no control over my life.
Category: True Stories
Snake Calculation
I never take a challenge sitting down, so when Steamboat McGoo spotted a black racer on his chimney and asked for estimates on its length, how could I refuse? After all, my ancestors specialized in reptilian length prognostication.
S. McGoo rewarded me with the honor of posting my snake calculations DIRECTLY UNDER HIS BANNER HEADER. (Click on the image unadulterated big to make it.)
Such an honor bestowed requires reciprocity, so I’ve added Aaardvarks & Asshats to our glorious blogroll. You goo, McGo!
Submissions Requested!
Don’t know what this is all about? Click here and follow the links. Send us your original submissions in .jpg format and we’ll post ’em, anonymously if you wish. Keep it clean and funny as if Jesus himself were to judge your work of art.
Wild Action in Strongsville
News from The Crossroads of the Nation, Strongsville, Ohio
The following items appeared in The Sun Star Courier on the 6 May 2010 police blotter. The Strongsville Police Department has been busy lately.
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ANIMAL COMPLAINT, DRAKE ROAD: Residents called police because they were trapped in their home by a temperamental squirrel.
The squirrel was desperate to get in the house, according to the residents. The squirrel kept jumping at the garage door and would run at the residents any time they opened a door.
ANIMAL COMPLAINT, SOUTHPARK CENTER: Several motorists called police on Sunday because a large turtle was blocking the entrance to the Westfield-SouthPark Shopping Center.
The turtle was taking a long time to cross the Howe Road entrance to the mall. The motorists were afraid the turtle would get hit by a car.
ANIMAL COMPLAINT, CHANDLER GREEN: A man reported Sunday that he was bit by a dog while walking in his neighborhood.
The man said he was bitten in the hip by a German shepherd-Labrador retriever mix, who was being walked by children.
MISCHIEF, COOK AVENUE: Someone plastered eggs and toilet paper all over Zellers Elementary School on Sunday night.
MISCHIEF, WEST 130th STREET: Motorists called police Saturday because a group of juveniles were jumping into traffic.
One of the boys was wearing a bear costume, according to the callers. The group was gone when police arrived.
DISTURBANCE, PEARL ROAD: Two Cleveland men and a Cleveland woman were advised Saturday for trying to load items from a dumpster behind the Honey Hut into their vehicle.
The group was confronted by police after several calls reported hearing screaming coming from the area. Officers found the group arguing over the best way to stuff a large freezer unit into their vehicle.
Officers made the trio put all the items back that they were trying to take.
MISSING JUVENILE, WHITNEY ROAD: Employees of Chestnut Lakes Apartments called police Friday after a 1-year-old girl wandered into the lobby.
The girl had gotten out of the apartment while her mother was in the bathroom. Her father had left the door open while he was going to get something from the car.
THEFT, DRAKE ROAD: Employees of SGL reported Friday that someone stole several items from their property.
Someone had stolen a few two-inch thick steel plates and other materials from the building. The items are valued at $3,000. Someone also dismantled a wooden crate to construct skateboard ramps on the property.
ANIMAL COMPLAINT, LENOX DRIVE: Strongsville police officers had their own version of the classic children’s story, “Make Way for the Ducklings” last Thursday. An officer helped a mother duck and her ducklings safely cross the intersection of Lenox Drive and Howe Road.
SUSPICIOUS SITUATION, DARICE PARKWAY: A woman reported last Thursday that she believes someone is maliciously spraying Nair or permanent solution in her hair while she is at work. She also believed that someone was spraying something in her car.
SHOPLIFTING, PEARL ROAD: Employees of Gordon Food Services reported April 27 that a Brooklyn man stole four boxes of steaks from the store. The man was gone when police arrived.
911 MISUSE, OLDE SURREY COURT: A Strongsville woman was advised April 26 for playing a prank on the Medina County Sheriff’s Department.
Medina dispatchers called the woman back after they received a hang-up call from her cell phone. The woman told dispatchers she and her friend called 911 because she was hungry.
The woman told Strongsville police the incident was a misunderstanding. She accidentally hit a button and did not realize that her phone dialed 911.
The woman thought the dispatchers return call was someone playing a trick on her.
BURGLARY, GEORGETOWN COURT: A resident reported April 26 that his neighbor entered his house without his permission. The neighbor took back a tool the resident had borrowed from him. The resident also accused the neighbor of stealing his drill.
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[News blurbs from The Sun Star Courier via Drudge. Image from here.]
Frank Frazetta 1928-2010
By MARYCLAIRE DALE (AP)
PHILADELPHIA — Pioneering fantasy artist Frank Frazetta died Monday in a Fort Myers, Fla., hospital, a manager said. He was 82.
Frazetta had been out to dinner with his daughters Sunday but suffered a stroke at his Boca Grande home later that night and was taken to Lee Memorial Hospital, manager Rob Pistella said. A hospital spokeswoman confirmed the death, as did his daughter Heidi Frazetta Grabin.
“He’s going to be remembered as the most renowned fantasy illustrator of the 20th Century,” Pistella said.
Frazetta created covers and illustrations for more than 150 books and comic books, along with album covers, movie posters and original paintings. His illustrations of Conan the Barbarian, Tarzan, Vampirella and other characters influenced many later artists.
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Frazetta had many imitators, but there was only one Frazetta.
The image above was one of my favorites in the 1970s, but my girlfriend wasn’t impressed when I projected it and copied it onto my dorm room wall with water-color marker, so I broke up with her. I was like that back then.
[Image from here, news blurb from here. Crossposted here and here.]
Roadtrip 1976
I was back from college on Easter break. The Weasel and I were cruising the southwestern Ohio sticks with a 12-pack, talking trash and listening to 8-track tapes when nature called. I pulled my ‘57 Chevy into a dark parking lot behind an elementary school and stopped.
Before we were out of the car, headlights flashed from the other end of the parking lot and rushed toward us as another car skidded to a stop just behind, blocking us in. The police ordered us out of the car at gunpoint.
Suddenly we didn’t have to pee so bad — we had to pee worse.
Shining a flashlight around the inside of the car (and spotting only the beer) the cop remarked that there were no rocks or baseball bats. Seems that there had been some vandalism at the school, and the police were staking it out.
We explained why we were there, that we’d just stopped to take a leak. The officer said something I’ll never forget: “To go driving around with a friend and having a few beers is okay.”
And with that, he let us go.
[Image from here.]
Latawnya, the Naughty Horse
What a children’s classic, complete with illustrations of horses drinking and smoking. The plot summary of this 29 page work of excellence follows [spoiler alert]:
Latawnya the Naughty Horse comes from a large family, and she and her sisters Daisy and Latoya go out to play where they meet up with some horses that are smoking drugs and drinking alcohol, so Latawnya the Naughty Horse joins them and gets sick. Her sister horses rat her out to her parents. Her father, James, tells her about one of his horse friends who died from an overdose, Latawnya the Naughty Horse says that drugs and and alcohol are bad, and her parent horses kiss and hug her. The End.
There are many questions left unresolved in this pressure cooker, like where do horses get drugs and alcohol and how do they pay for it? Who in their right mind gives horses lighters and matches? How do horses hug? Why did Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, have to try out smoking and drinking first before she came to her own conclusions? Guess we’ll have to wait for the sequel.
[Fully illustrated novel may be reviewed in its entirety here. Found here.]
Now More Than Ever, The New and Improved Cutting Edge Wave of the Future Tacky Raccoons Store is Officially Open!
This is blogwhoring at its worst, but it’s blogwhoring in the good sense of the word, and just in time for the Holidays. A simple click on either image will take you to the Official Cutting Edge Wave of the Future New and Improved Now More Than Ever Tacky Raccoons Store for almost all your clothing and caffeine container needs. After all, it’s for the children, and the awesome design is awesome.
With Practice, You Too Can Administer Popular Posterior Vaccinations In Your Spare Time.
Yep. That’s a simulated buttcheek for hypodermic needle training practice, and it tells you if you’ve done it right. That’s right, THIS HALF-ASS SPEAKS.
This strap-on simulator is a lifelike model of a right buttock with anatomical landmarks needed for injections. Correctly administered injections produce audiovisual feedback.
Just think how much fun this could be at frat parties, what with the anatomical landmarks and all… give a shot, take a shot. I hope they come up with a left-handed model.
[Found via here. I won’t link directly as the original source has graphic images for other medical training products that are NSFW/NSFK and kinda nasty otherwise.]
35 Years Ago Today
[Image from here.]
Tacky Raccoons 