You can’t ignore me forever.
I’ve hidden your straw.
I’m gonna play “Everything Is Beautiful” over and over and over if you don’t come out.
I can still see your toes.
There’s a spider above you.
I’ve locked the bathroom door.
I’m still sitting here, and I’m watching you.
I’m going to be very quiet now…
Oil prices are up. Propane prices are up. Methane prices are going up, too, so save it for a rainy day. Don’t keep ’em bottled up inside, collect ’em all and cash ’em in! Register a brand name like I did (Jumpin’ Jack Flashizza™) and wait for the FartMart to open a retail outlet near you. Then you can barter your best SBD BarnBurners in bulk and get paid for your flatulence daily, weekly, or monthly as required.
Just another Money Saving Tip for loyal readers of Tacky Raccoons.
[Image from here. Nice find, Planetross.]
Humor-Blogs.com (and if I don’t start getting some hits from Diesel’s website I’m gonna drop the widgets.)
[UPDATE- I think I got the link to Humor-Blogs fixed. Try it out and get Tacky Raccoons back into the top 10% – Bunk]
[UPDATE 2 – The link still doesn’t recobanize the post source. (The guttural non-fricative “grrrrg” comes to mind.)]
Dorset, UK (Strutts News Services) – British scientists on an after-hours bender decided that the world needs to know if octopi are ambidextrous or prefer one tentacle over the rest. The problem was to decide on a procedure.
“If they’re so bloody smart, LET’S GIVE THE SLIMY BASTARDS RUBIK’S CUBES!” blurted one, and after another round of scrumpy, the panel agreed.
Once they recovered from their collective hangovers, they collected 25 octopi and 25 Rubik’s Cubes and let the games begin. Scientist Bonnie Phumph of the Sea Life Centre in Weymouth, Dorset, remarked, “It’ll be very interesting to see the results,” apparently referring to the government research grant money.
No news yet on the success of the cephalopod subjects’ cerebral solutions, although an early leaked report indicates that two of the tentacled brainiacs peeled off the colored labels in frustration, and a third dismantled its Cube and cracked the smaller cubes into fragments.
[Image and original story from here. Related posts here, here and here.]
Okay, a number of you folks dared me to make a post with that obnoxious non-sequitur of a title, and now you want pictures. Go visit your favorite regular mainstream lesbian amputee dwarf porn site of choice for LADP photos (the one you already have bookmarked) ’cause you won’t find ’em here.
Yeah, I know. It’s a shallow cheap plug for traffic, and it prolly won’t happen again. All in fun, folks, all in fun. Settle down… it’s still better than reading a parsing of an Obama speech, and you’ve got a captioned animal picture as a bonus.
Tell you what. Just for playing along, I’ll let you know how much the traffic on this post spikes with just those four little PG-13 words. You can play along, too, just by linking to this post with those same four little PG-13 words, and lemme know if YOUR traffic spikes up a tad as well. Or not.
[Original undoctored image from somewhere in here.]
Been a while since we had a good Babe Magnet post, and I’d completely forgotten about this one (forwarded by the lovely and talented Jen of Casual Slack several months ago).
What can we possibly say about this excellent example of Babe Magnetage that isn’t intuitively obvious to the casual observer? More than you might think.
If I’m not mistaken, this Vehicle of Vapidity is a 1989 Nissan 4-dork that was originally silver, until Bonnie Phumph’s little brother Dirk took over the ride when Bonnie left for animal husbandry school in Middlevale last year. Dirk went on a yellow spray paint rampage.
Puke Yellow Bile is not an attractive color for any Japanese import, so Dirk took it a step further with the LameFlame job. But of course, just like any proud owner of a newly created Babe Magnet, he couldn’t stop there. Nope. He used the rest of the blue dork-spray paint to stencil “Dirk is King,” “Dirk Rules” and “Dirk Rocks” in Tolkien runes on the door panels just underneath the windows.
But he didn’t stop there either. Enter a poor rendition of Marvin the Martian on the left rear quarter panel. This work o fart just screams “Dirk is a complete moron!” And just so anyone missed the message, Dork managed to knock off his rearview mirror in the Dairy Queen drive-thru and repaired it with, yep, you guessed it, duct tape.
Pure efficient genius.
[A truly amazing compilation of Babe Magnets may be found HERE.]
The Undramatic Chipmunk found via cnet.
Lotsa odd facial hair here.
Build you own virtual star and watch it grow old.
Unintentional Goatse proves that there is indeed a website for everyone.
How to confuse an idiot: here (from Phil’s Phun).
Try out the Uglifier. On yourself.
Winter in Russia.
The first ButtBerry Award, here.
How to deliberately create an unsuccessful blog, by Slippy.
Always dry, always excellent: Futility Closet.
Ditto Hanuman. I don’t know where he finds these gems.
Garfield-Garfield from SNTC.
Speaking of lame comic strips: Marmaduke Explained shows us all where we missed the humor.
And finally, here’s the correct response to every New Yorker Magazine caption contest.
I’ve seen them all my life, but no one ever believed me. Magnetic fields are visible. <snork>
This is why the earth isn’t covered with lizard carcases.
“READ THE WORD! ARRRGH!”
Cheap thrills (until yer hair gets caught).
Speaking of Cheap Thrills: These guys were so ahead of their time they had to go retro, and still didn’t get a hit. Here’s Ruben & The Jets.
These guys couldn’t get a hit either, so they covered Ruben & the Jets. Here’s The Persuasions‘ great a capella version.
Speaking of The Persuasions, this cd is a must-have in Bunk’s opinion, so here’s another cover:
[Magnetic Movie found via Neatorama, Gecko here, Mr. T here, Spinnergirl here. Others found via serendipitous cosmic debris]
DARVAZ’ HELLFIRE
Soviets found an earth fart and lit it.
Uzbekistan, Ukraine – (Strutts News Services)
According to various reports, a massive gas vent was discovered and subsequently ignited in 1973 by Soviet geologists in search of other stuff. Some sources indicate that the global flatulence may have been ignited earlier than was initially reported. From the amazing website English Russian:
“This place in Uzbekistan is called by locals “The Door to Hell”. It is situated near the small town of Darvaz. The story of this place lasts already for 35 years. Once the geologists were drilling for gas. Then suddenly during the drilling they have found an underground cavern, it was so big that all the drilling site with all the equipment and camps got deep deep under the ground. None dared to go down there because the cavern was filled with gas. So they ignited it so that no poisonous gas could come out of the hole, and since then, it’s burning, already for 35 years without any pause. Nobody knows how many tons of excellent gas has been burned for all those years but it just seems to be infinite there.”
Local immigrant resident Joey “Boris” Catawba summed it up. “I’ve lived here for almost 10 years. Everything always smells like burnt cheese and vinegar. Someone should do something. This really sucks.”
[More images here.]
Here is the Photoshopped version of Iran’s missile launch released this past week:
Here is the original undoctored image:
Any questions?
[Images from a site that is, um, no longer proper to link to.]
Tacky Raccoons 
