Category: True Stories

Kudos to Stephan Pastis.

“Pearls Before Swine” is a comic strip written and illustrated by Stephen Pastis. It first caught my attention in the Orange County Register Sunday Funnies, with a hilarious logo showing the main characters, Pig, Rat, Zebra and Goat as the Ramones. I’ve been following it ever since.

IMO, it’s not laugh out loud stuff (sorry Stephan) but some of it is very clever. When the strip began foundering, Pastis introduced a new group of characters to the mix: crocodiles.

The bumbling crocs speak in broken English, and spend all their time trying to dupe the smarter Zebra into letting them eat him. Pastis was way too subtle for me, until I spotted a not-so-subtle commentary in Pastis’ new storyline:

I don’t think I need to point out the symbolism here. On Monday 7 June 2010, Pastis continues:

Pastis deserves commendations for his subterfuge. Now, Stephen, about that elephant…

Vote Like You’ve Never Voted Before.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010, is California’s Primary election. For those of you on the west coast, the ballot initiatives are probably the most important of the mess.

As for me, I’m voting NO on every initiative except for Prop 13. It’s a good measure, and has no opposition. Owners of existing buildings should not be penalized by property tax reassessment for seismic retrofitting.

As for the candidates, Meg Whitman gets my vote for Republican nominee for governator, and conservative Chuck Devore deserves to  go to the U.S. Senate. The other candidates for other seats don’t matter much.

Now, Steve Rocco is another story. I’m tempted to vote for him just for the hell of it because he pissed so many people off. Here’s a guy who was elected to the board of the Orange Unified School District without even campaigning. He beat out the other contenders with a pair of nothing, and once elected, it took weeks for the OUSD to find out who and where he was. He’s a bizarre dark stocking cap with black sunglasses who’s full of conspiracy theories, and was arrested for supposedly stealing a half-empty bottle of catsup from an OUSD cafeteria. Now he’s running for Public Administrator.

Sounds like a great candidate. Write in Bunk Strutts instead.

Show Us Your War Face

afa-maori-warrior-cover
[Image and quote from here.]

That’s Maori Priest Irrarangi Tiakiawa, keeper of secret Maori martial arts techniques, including death strokes:

“I think this (death point striking) art should die. It is too evil for today’s society. I once witnessed my grandfather having an argument with another man and the other man was in the wrong, so my grandfather just got up and struck him with one finger to one point and the man died… “

The interview is interesting, and includes what to do if confronted by a Maori showing his war face:

1. Stand still. If you run you’re gonna get hurt.
2. The warrior will likely throw something down in front of you. If you don’t pick it up and hand it back to him you’re gonna get hurt.
3. Don’t fight. If you do you’re gonna get killed.

Fortunately, you’re unlikely to encounter a Maori warrior unless you’re in New Zealand, but now you know how to react without bleeding– much.

[Crossposted here a while back.]

D-Day – 6 June 1944

Pure balls, guts and subterfuge displaced the Nazis, saved Europe and brought down the Reichstadt.  Here’s to those who fought to the death for freedom.

[Related posts here and here.]

Saturday Matinee – American Dialects, W.C. Clark & the Fabulous Thunderbirds

American regional dialects are curious, and when I hear one I haven’t heard in a while I try to identify where the speaker grew up. If you listen closely, you can hear the ancestral accents and phrasing as well: English to the north, Scottish and Irish to the south. As for me, I have no accent, but Mrs. Strutts says I do… I sound a lot like central Ohio mixed with some faint Texan stuff. (Here’s a simple online test if you’re curious what accent mix you have.)

W.C. Clark backed by The Fabulous Thunderbirds, and featuring Angela Strehli is an awesome mix of Texas blues. Never heard of W.C. Clark? Try this:

Yep, that’s Stevie Ray Vaughan with W.C. Clark. Next question?

Bertha Dlugi’s Contribution to the World

Bertha Dlugi’s invention, patented in 1959, was intended for parakeets and other birds that are allowed to fly freely about the house. “It is … a general object of the present invention to provide a garment to be worn by birds for receiving their excremental discharge to prevent it from being deposited on household furnishings when the bird is at liberty in the home and thereby avoid the consequent unsanitary condition.”

[Image and description from here. Crossposted here.]

President Jug Head

I don’t know about you, but whenever our Fearless Leader speaks, I look around and imagine that he looks like something in our kitchen, like the water cooler. Somehow it makes it all better, because I know that our water cooler has no control over my life.

Continue reading “President Jug Head”

Snake Calculation

I never take a challenge sitting down, so when Steamboat McGoo spotted a black racer on his chimney and asked for estimates on its length, how could I refuse?  After all, my ancestors specialized in reptilian length prognostication.

S. McGoo rewarded me with the honor of posting my snake calculations DIRECTLY UNDER HIS BANNER HEADER. (Click on the image unadulterated big to make it.)

Such an honor bestowed requires reciprocity, so I’ve added Aaardvarks & Asshats to our glorious blogroll. You goo, McGo!

Submissions Requested!

Don’t know what this is all about? Click here and follow the links. Send us your original submissions in .jpg format and we’ll post ’em, anonymously if you wish. Keep it clean and funny as if Jesus himself were to judge your work of art.

Wild Action in Strongsville

News from The Crossroads of the Nation, Strongsville, Ohio

The following items appeared in The Sun Star Courier on the 6 May 2010 police blotter.  The Strongsville Police Department has been busy lately.

____________________________________________

ANIMAL COMPLAINT, DRAKE ROAD: Residents called police because they were trapped in their home by a temperamental squirrel.

The squirrel was desperate to get in the house, according to the residents. The squirrel kept jumping at the garage door and would run at the residents any time they opened a door.

ANIMAL COMPLAINT, SOUTHPARK CENTER: Several motorists called police on Sunday because a large turtle was blocking the entrance to the Westfield-SouthPark Shopping Center.

The turtle was taking a long time to cross the Howe Road entrance to the mall. The motorists were afraid the turtle would get hit by a car.

ANIMAL COMPLAINT, CHANDLER GREEN: A man reported Sunday that he was bit by a dog while walking in his neighborhood.

The man said he was bitten in the hip by a German shepherd-Labrador retriever mix, who was being walked by children.

MISCHIEF, COOK AVENUE: Someone plastered eggs and toilet paper all over Zellers Elementary School on Sunday night.

MISCHIEF, WEST 130th STREET: Motorists called police Saturday because a group of juveniles were jumping into traffic.

One of the boys was wearing a bear costume, according to the callers. The group was gone when police arrived.

DISTURBANCE, PEARL ROAD: Two Cleveland men and a Cleveland woman were advised Saturday for trying to load items from a dumpster behind the Honey Hut into their vehicle.

The group was confronted by police after several calls reported hearing screaming coming from the area. Officers found the group arguing over the best way to stuff a large freezer unit into their vehicle.

Officers made the trio put all the items back that they were trying to take.

MISSING JUVENILE, WHITNEY ROAD: Employees of Chestnut Lakes Apartments called police Friday after a 1-year-old girl wandered into the lobby.

The girl had gotten out of the apartment while her mother was in the bathroom. Her father had left the door open while he was going to get something from the car.

THEFT, DRAKE ROAD: Employees of SGL reported Friday that someone stole several items from their property.

Someone had stolen a few two-inch thick steel plates and other materials from the building. The items are valued at $3,000. Someone also dismantled a wooden crate to construct skateboard ramps on the property.

ANIMAL COMPLAINT, LENOX DRIVE: Strongsville police officers had their own version of the classic children’s story, “Make Way for the Ducklings” last Thursday. An officer helped a mother duck and her ducklings safely cross the intersection of Lenox Drive and Howe Road.

SUSPICIOUS SITUATION, DARICE PARKWAY: A woman reported last Thursday that she believes someone is maliciously spraying Nair or permanent solution in her hair while she is at work. She also believed that someone was spraying something in her car.

SHOPLIFTING, PEARL ROAD: Employees of Gordon Food Services reported April 27 that a Brooklyn man stole four boxes of steaks from the store. The man was gone when police arrived.

911 MISUSE, OLDE SURREY COURT: A Strongsville woman was advised April 26 for playing a prank on the Medina County Sheriff’s Department.

Medina dispatchers called the woman back after they received a hang-up call from her cell phone. The woman told dispatchers she and her friend called 911 because she was hungry.

The woman told Strongsville police the incident was a misunderstanding. She accidentally hit a button and did not realize that her phone dialed 911.

The woman thought the dispatchers return call was someone playing a trick on her.

BURGLARY, GEORGETOWN COURT: A resident reported April 26 that his neighbor entered his house without his permission. The neighbor took back a tool the resident had borrowed from him. The resident also accused the neighbor of stealing his drill.

____________________________________________

[News blurbs from The Sun Star Courier via Drudge. Image from here.]