There’s a happy patient. One squeeze and she’s happy; two squeezes and she’s dancing on the table; three squeezes and she’s prepared to serve in congress.
[Found here. Nice one, McGoo.]
Category: Real News
Old Blind Smoke’s Birthday
Smoke, a 39 year old harbor seal in captivity at the New England Aquarium is presented with a special present for her birthday in Boston, MA. Like many people of such advanced age, the seal has very limited vision. Life expectancy for most seals is the mid-20’s.
[Image with caption found here.]
We Kicked England’s Balls
Although the World Cup actually began yesterday somewhere in Africa, the USA team kicked England’s arse in a tie of 1-1. I’ll explain why shortly.
The game supposedly originated when victorious Brits began a game of kicking around the skull of a dispatched Roman soldier. Eventually the skull was replaced with an inflated sheep’s bladder (brilliance), and they began kicking that up and down the path between rival villages. The game spread to other villages, and gained the name of “Association Football,” abbreviated to “Assoc.” A participant was termed an “Assoc-er,” thus was the game of Soccer introduced into the English speaking world.
I doubt the previous summary is entirely accurate, but humor me for the attempt at historical improvisation.
Most Americans these days are introduced to Soccer (or Football as the rest of the civilized world calls it) via AYSO, an excellent organization that introduces their kids to the sport and allows parents to yell at each other with impunity over rules they don’t understand. The offsides rule is particularly difficult for us yanks to comprehend because you can’t actually see it unless you are standing right behind the line judge (who is constantly in motion up and down the sidelines) when the foul occurs.
So today, England, the ancestral homeland of the sport, was supposed to have had an easy win over the supposedly inept USA team. It was expected to be a blowout, and with a goal within the first five minutes of play, England led by infinity. However, in the last few minutes of the first half, the Brit keeper floundered allowing a tie score. He’s on suicide watch now, although it wasn’t entirely his fault as nine of his own teammates blew it before the bladder even reached him.
The USA team should be proud, even at a final score of 1-1. England got their pointy little noses polished. Now we’ll work on their teeth.
Show Us Your War Face
That’s Maori Priest Irrarangi Tiakiawa, keeper of secret Maori martial arts techniques, including death strokes:
“I think this (death point striking) art should die. It is too evil for today’s society. I once witnessed my grandfather having an argument with another man and the other man was in the wrong, so my grandfather just got up and struck him with one finger to one point and the man died… “
The interview is interesting, and includes what to do if confronted by a Maori showing his war face:
1. Stand still. If you run you’re gonna get hurt.
2. The warrior will likely throw something down in front of you. If you don’t pick it up and hand it back to him you’re gonna get hurt.
3. Don’t fight. If you do you’re gonna get killed.
Fortunately, you’re unlikely to encounter a Maori warrior unless you’re in New Zealand, but now you know how to react without bleeding– much.
[Crossposted here a while back.]
Bertha Dlugi’s Contribution to the World
Bertha Dlugi’s invention, patented in 1959, was intended for parakeets and other birds that are allowed to fly freely about the house. “It is … a general object of the present invention to provide a garment to be worn by birds for receiving their excremental discharge to prevent it from being deposited on household furnishings when the bird is at liberty in the home and thereby avoid the consequent unsanitary condition.”
President Jug Head
I don’t know about you, but whenever our Fearless Leader speaks, I look around and imagine that he looks like something in our kitchen, like the water cooler. Somehow it makes it all better, because I know that our water cooler has no control over my life.
Snake Calculation
I never take a challenge sitting down, so when Steamboat McGoo spotted a black racer on his chimney and asked for estimates on its length, how could I refuse? After all, my ancestors specialized in reptilian length prognostication.
S. McGoo rewarded me with the honor of posting my snake calculations DIRECTLY UNDER HIS BANNER HEADER. (Click on the image unadulterated big to make it.)
Such an honor bestowed requires reciprocity, so I’ve added Aaardvarks & Asshats to our glorious blogroll. You goo, McGo!
Submissions Requested!
Don’t know what this is all about? Click here and follow the links. Send us your original submissions in .jpg format and we’ll post ’em, anonymously if you wish. Keep it clean and funny as if Jesus himself were to judge your work of art.
Roadtrip 1976
I was back from college on Easter break. The Weasel and I were cruising the southwestern Ohio sticks with a 12-pack, talking trash and listening to 8-track tapes when nature called. I pulled my ‘57 Chevy into a dark parking lot behind an elementary school and stopped.
Before we were out of the car, headlights flashed from the other end of the parking lot and rushed toward us as another car skidded to a stop just behind, blocking us in. The police ordered us out of the car at gunpoint.
Suddenly we didn’t have to pee so bad — we had to pee worse.
Shining a flashlight around the inside of the car (and spotting only the beer) the cop remarked that there were no rocks or baseball bats. Seems that there had been some vandalism at the school, and the police were staking it out.
We explained why we were there, that we’d just stopped to take a leak. The officer said something I’ll never forget: “To go driving around with a friend and having a few beers is okay.”
And with that, he let us go.
[Image from here.]
Now More Than Ever, The New and Improved Cutting Edge Wave of the Future Tacky Raccoons Store is Officially Open!
This is blogwhoring at its worst, but it’s blogwhoring in the good sense of the word, and just in time for the Holidays. A simple click on either image will take you to the Official Cutting Edge Wave of the Future New and Improved Now More Than Ever Tacky Raccoons Store for almost all your clothing and caffeine container needs. After all, it’s for the children, and the awesome design is awesome.
Tacky Raccoons 